God Speaks to your Soul

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

  

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console;

To be understood as to understand;

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

And it is in dying tat we are born to eternal life… Amen


This prayer spoke to me when I found it in a box of books while unpacking in the bedroom. We'd recently moved into a new apartment July 1st. it made me stand back and think about God and his role in our lives. I know that I try to pray daily and study his word. The thing is sometime we forget or get too busy. We as a christian nation need to stop and spend just five minutes with him. He can strengthen and guide us wherever we're meant to be going. 


I read this and now I want to make more of an effort to keep God in the foremost part of our mind, body and soul. I'm a catholic and I love going to mass on Sunday's and partake of the Eucharist, listen to the homily. Even when we have visiting priest and other people talking to us as a christian nation. God knows how we feel. He knows what we go through. Remember he created us. While he created us, he also can number each hair strand on our body, whether on our head or a different place. He can number each one. This is something we have to remember. By His grace we are born and alive. 


Just think about how we are built. You wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for God. He sent his only begotten son to give us eternal life. Due to the sin with the first parents on earth. This is Adam and Eve. We are human, we make mistakes and that is why God set Christ to earth so we will be forgiven and get eternal life forever. Think about it. Without Christ's life, death and resurrection. We have eternal life.  What a wonderful gift he gave for us all who believe in Him.


Remember: If you believe in the Son(Christ) you are also believing in God the father also, plus the Holy Ghost...

Prayer and Thanksgiving

If you haven’t got enough, pray to God-
If you have just enough, thank Him-
If you have more than enough, praise God!
While praying for and helping 
Those who haven’t got enough

St. James the Greater (First century)

The Patron Saint of Arthritis and Rheumatism

One of the first apostles to join Jesus, St. James was also the first such follower to be martyred. Of the twelve apostles, St. James, his brother St. John the Evangelist, and St. Peter formed a privileged inner circle. Christ allowed them to witness miracles the other apostles only heard about later: the raising from the dead of Jairus's young daughter, the healing of St. Peter's mother-in-law, and Christ's display of his heavenly glory at the Transfiguration. While the other apostles carried the gospel to far-off lands, James stuck close to home, preaching in Judea and Samaria. Consequently, when King Herod Agrippa began to round up Christians, James was easy to find. He was arrested, given a quick trial, and beheaded.


Legend tells us that as the king's men led James outside Jerusalem for execution, he passed a man crippled by arthritis or rheumatism who was sitting by the side of the road. The man begged James to cure him. Pausing for a moment on his way to martyrdom, James said, "In the name of Jesus Christ, for whom I am being led to execution, stand up and bless your Creator." As the soldiers dragged James away, the crippled man stood and then ran to the temple in the city to give thanks to God. That's the type of cure people who suffer arthritis pain pray for.

Our Father - Prayer

Our Father

Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

What does saying this prayer mean to you? Do you prayer daily, weekly, so on? Do you trust in God to answer prayer?

Saying the Our Father helps me connect with God. it lets me meditate and come into a peaceful time, a chatting line from my mind and heart to his listening ear. I love praying and I find God is constantly with me. I let him into my heart daily, and more like hourly if I have the time. The thing is we all need to have time, make time to commune with God and let him know we think of him every minute of the day. Without him, we are alone, and can be tempted by Satan, the Devil. Satan is there, tempting us each minute of the day. If we aren't in tuned with God, Satan can latch onto us and lead us astray. Remember to keep mindful and in tune with God. For GOD and CHRIST are the only way to salvation and everlasting life...

Sunday Mass and Prayer

At church, I wasn't sure if I wanted to prayer. I closed my eyes once I positioned my chair. I hate having to use my chair, but I get so dizzy I collapse or I'm in intense pain in knees, lower back and my ankles are constantly swollen. For the past month, I'd been without my laptop. Now that I have it, I'm thankful for the guy who fixed my computer and to God for helping me get through the last month.

After the Eucharist I felt compelled to pray. I'd said a short one before the start of mass. That was a thank you note to God. But this time I was compelled to say a long prayer unto Mary and one to the Holy Ghost. While praying as they started singing the last song. I heard from God. I know it was him. He touch me. I felt warm, cosy and content deep inside. I asked for peace, and for forgiveness for all my sins.

It was like for years I'd never felt loved, but I now know that I needed God to enter my whole body and mind, for me to know true unconditional love. I now know my partner loves me. I know my friends care about me and I don't have to buy their love. I also feel free, free from my family and their not so nice abuse they thrust onto me. I'm glad I'm not in England, but I can't wait to be an American. I hope it's soon...

Panic Attacks and God's Guidance

This morning Troy and myself had to travel downtown to get my bus pass renewed. This sounds easy doesn't it. But you are completely wrong. First, when the bus arrived to take us downtown, I was in my wheelchair. I was put on a lift to get in and out the bus. Then traveling through town, the driver went via interstate. On the interstate you end up going over bridges and flyovers. These create panic inside me. I have a phobia of being tossed out of a moving vehicle, plus being flung off a bridge.

On the ride home, I was in a major panic mode. Troy was busying reading his book. I closed my eyes, in hope of Troy letting me know when it was safe to open them again. But he didn't. I then heard a voice. No I not joking. I heard a voice, it wasn't Troy or the bus driver either. I hadn't prayed for guidance or strength either. But the voice told me to relax, breath deeply and observe the trees, cars and trucks we passed. And descibing them to the heavenly voice. I believe God sent his Holy Ghost came to me and help me through the journey home. I got home and got into our apartment and I felt heaps better.

Once I'd eaten something, I prayed to God for many thanks for helping me in my time of need. I believe even when we don't ask for God, Christ and the Holy Ghost to help us through a trying time, they come anyway. To believe in this happening every time, trust me it happens. I know you might think, I've lost my marbles and got completely bananas. But I'm not crazy, I just believe...

Thursday Afternoon

It's now 3:05pm and right now I've been thinking about what is going on inside my mind, body and heart. Being different from most of the people at my church is hard. I'm transgendered, but with no wish of changing my body. What is given to me, makes me stronger and wiser with God at my side. Also I've got pluckera of mental illnesses. I have DID/MPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Mood disorders, and anxiety.

Sometimes I find it hard to get through a day without hurting myself. Hurting myself does help to a certain degree, but not fully the way I'd like. Learning right now that doing this to take my thoughts off self-harm to do productive things instead. Right now I read my bible when I get the urge to hurt myself, either by cutting or burning. I know if I pray God will give me strength, but I'm not sure I want strength.

My best friend from Mass, he is what I call a cheer me up friend. If he's online I feel 100% better. Also I'm reading through my binder, my DBT Binder. This binder has a lot of skills that help me deal with certain emotions and feelings running through my head. My partner is my strongest person I can say I love, and they love me. Being at church, in a bookstore or just outside of the apartment I cheer up a little and know God is guiding my thougth outside. but inside I feel like the devil is trying to hurt me, with voices and images I see throughout the apartment.

Blessings from God

Over this last week, I have been having trouble believing in what Amy said at our C.R.H.P. meeting which was at Chela's home. Anyhow, I came out to them asking for help to get together with them to get the money for my citizenship test. I felt like no one cared, but the words of Amy stuck in the back of my mind. She told me by Memorial day I would be a citizen. This was annoy and conflicting with what I believed as fact. At this time we had $500 in our savings account. Which was for citizenship.

Finally I cracked down and cried. After we had to take $300+ out of our saving to put in our chequing account to be able to pay rent. Anyhow I cried every night for days. This was something I never told my partner. Anyhow, my therapist told me to ask the church. I finally prayer last week and wrote a long email to a lot of my church friends, plus father and deacon. Anyhow, I been getting emails back from one lady that kept me believing that God existed and he was there for me. Well two ladies at first, now my whole church family and friends.

Now the church is going to help us pay for citizenship test filing the forms. I know we have to pay the money back. But I feel it's a gift from God. He made me wait till the right time. I don't know how to explain this, but it's true. I said a long prayer of thanking to God, Christ and everyone at church who has put up with my moaning, annoying bad humor and anything I just blab about. Plus Suzie Q always gets me bratting out like no tomorrow. So I thank God for my church and family and friends in Indy and I'm glad to be alive. I'm glad to actually feel happy and not feel guilty about being happy.

Emptiness and Lost Feeling

It's just turned 12:53pm and I have had lunch. Now I am thinking about what is going to happen today. Since 2am, I have had feelings of emptiness, being alone, lost and anger. Losing a child is hard on anyone, but for me it's becoming a way of life. Giving everything up to God is always hard, but having him take your last child it makes me so angry, and furious about it. I know Paul is in a better place, and he is no in pain and is with God now. The only thing is I want him  with me, no somewhere I can't communicate with him.

Watching Troy on his computer is nice, he is relaxed and waiting to go visit his mom. I know she is going to be fine now the surgery is over with. Part of me wants her to die so Troy and his family can feel the pain I feel right now. I know this isn't very Christian of me, but it's how I feel right now. Don't get me wrong, I love Troy's mom and the rest of the family. The point is I have to lose and I believe someone else should too. The pain I feel inside, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But part of me wants someone else to feel pain, to be depressed and feeling alone.

I have read some scripture this morning, trying to see light were I see darkness. But every single scripture I read, is about death and resurrection. I know in time I will rejoin my children in heaven. I know they are happy, in no pain and waiting on me. But the thing is I want to be with them now, not later. I know Angela is going to do what is best for her and the kids. I doubt I'll ever see my grandchildren. I feel so lost and empty, I want out right now.

The point is I do feel so low, and empty. But I know God is in me, working his way to help me deal with his grief and anger I have in my heart right now. I have been praying all morning in the silence of my heart. I just want to feel at peace, that Paul is with his family up in heaven. Maybe in time I will want to write about how much my children strengthened me and touch me during their time with me.

It's time to write, to write my memoirs and some Christian fiction or Catholic fiction, even maybe a gay fiction story too. I need to get inspired and to do that I need to feel at peace. Which I don't feel right now. Maybe I will let Troy read how I feel and maybe he'll help me find peace, who knows what today will bring to me and help me settle my heart and be happy once again.

Thursday Lunchtime

This morning was rather okay, since I got a call from Angela. It was the news I'd feared. She called me around 2am my time. I had prayed the night before and hoped for a healing touch on my son. All through my life, I have had children, but it seems to me that I'm not meant to have children. I have lost Raven and Luke, Chelsea, Phillip and Michelle, Joshua, Keiran, Michael, and now my Paul has been taken. What am I to do now? Why God? Why take my children? Did I deserve to lose so many children?

I have thought long and hard this morning and wondered if there was a purpose for me losing my children. I just fear if I ever have any children with Troy, they will somehow die. I do have a strong belief in God, Christ and the Holy Ghost. But I fear I couldn't handle losing another child. Why am I doomed to always feel alone, lost and tortured. I believe in God, I let him into my heart, soul,mind and body.  This shouldn't be happening to me now. I am a good christian, and firm believer.

I hate life right now, not sure what to think or feel. Just right now I feel so numb and empty. My partner Troy, is spending time on his computer. I want to cry and scream at the same time. I know being angry at God isn't the way to go. But I just think my life is doomed from the get-go. Since being in Indiana, I have joined a church, go regularly to church, I made friends. I did the C.R.H.P. retreat and now I am barren, no children, no family to inherit my fortune. When I get one that is...

Surgery and Prayer

Today my MIL was taken to St Francis South Hospital to have surgery, to remove the cancer. I'm hoping she is going to recover quite well. I have been in constant prayer throughout the day. I am hoping God has plans for her to get well and become semi healthy. I just called Suzie, she is going to collect me and we are going to Helen's for the last Wednesday of the Lenten season. I have a funny feeling that tonight is going to be way spiritual for me, I even think God is going to get me praying again, which I'm getting used to now.

Praying is something I found hard and wasn't sure what to say in a prayer. During most meetings with the girls, I would pass and not want to pray at the end in front of them all. I was so embarrassed about them hearing me muddle along. I have never felt comfortable praying in a room with others around me. Not sure why, but I have always. Now since lent, I have become enriched in God's love and the Holy Ghost is administering to my soul, heart and mind. I believe God has something for me to do, but I have to feel comfortable to pray, sing and do anything in the company of others.

People around me are seeing a change in the way I act and do things now. I don't see a difference, but I believe maybe I am changing, but for good I hope. Now the surgery is over and my MIL can heal and become anew in God. I want to become anew in God too. I have found that with my MIL having surgery and getting diagnosed with cancer, has made me get a closer connection with God. He is telling what I am to do and say around others, which makes it easier to pray and talk around others at church and my close friends.

If you feeling alone, lost and without hope. Pray. Yes Pray. Prayer is the first thing you should do. Pray for God and the Holy Ghost to enter your body, mind and heart and he will administer to you. Not sure why, I just believe God is working in me right now. I feel his presence inside me. I feeling so refreshed and alive with his love. I have come to know he forgives me for all my transgressions. I have also forgave my family and anyone who hurt me in anyway in my past. If you forgive others, God will forgive you.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Proverbs 3:5,6 -  Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do,  and he will give you success.

The verse above is one my favorites in the Old Testament. It helps me to remember I can't do it alone, without him I am nothing. Just a word of advice, let God guide you in the paths you tread. Think first, then ask God. If he tells you to go forward, go with hope and pride. If not, change your path and make sure God is guiding you. He made us in his image, which means he loved us enough to make us like him. He even sent his only son to come to earth to make a way to get back to him. Jesus died for us, so we could have everlasting life and go to heaven to be with God one day.


I believe during my search in life, I have found true happiness, but not by myself. I asked God and Christ to come into my heart, soul and body and show me the right way. I believe in him, will do anything I can to let others know I love God and he is my Savior. Let God and Christ into your heart, he will guide you, show you the right way to be saved by his blood shed on the cross for your sins and mine too. 


I ask you to do one thing before the day is over with, pray. Yes, Prayer is the only way to know God and have him in your life and make sure you always talk with him when you need, plus when you feel you can handle things on your own. We need to keep God in our mind, and soul. How do we do this? By asking God daily into your soul and heart, let him guide you every single day of your natural born life. 

Catholic Vs Gender Dysphoria

I have come to get a closer look at my faith and my gender issues. I was at a church meeting tonight, I so wanted to tell the girls I was a gay male, but knew they might not understand. After listening to Helen's family problems so I knew it wasn't time to come out to my friends. I so longed for my girls to know the real me, and what I go through every single day. I wanted to tell my church friends about my true identity. Being a gay male inside a female body was torture every single minute. Wanting support and guidance from my friends, but knew it wasn't time. 

I got home around 9:40pm and I talked with my partner before they went to bed for the night. They have work in morning. Right now I am watching some crime show on you-tube. This is getting my mind of the thought of nightmares about my partners mother and her surgery. I want to find something inside myself to understand and tell the people in my life, that mean the world to me that I was hiding a dark secret. I wanted to ask God for help and guidance, but wasn't sure it would help. My thoughts keep going back to Helen and being there for her. 

I finally decided to pray about my feelings about my gender Identity and dealing with being a catholic and maybe changing my body to match my soul, mind and feelings. I know many people like me have the courage to change, but me, no chance of having that courage. I just want to be free to be me and let friends know how troubled I feel each and every day in the last ten years.

Christian Saints

Well now I'm fully awake and trying to figure out what the day has for me to do and experience. I started to hear the voice of reasoning and God. I started to research about the saints of all time. I found some interesting facts about some of the saints. Like I found out about the saint I chose to be my saint to always follow. St Clare Montefalco, also known as St Clare of the Cross. She was the one that spoke to me at the end of my R.C.I.A. classes before I was confirmed a full member of the catholic faith.

Think for a moment, if you are named after a saint, or you picked a name of a certain saint when you were confirmed or given first communion. Think, then look up about that saint and pray to God and your saint to give you guidance and know that saint is in you and believe in God and never forget the saints. They made it possible for us all to be able to believe, prayer and have the right to choose what religion we want, to choose to go to mass or church.

For Beginners or Oldies

If you haven't got a connection with God, Christ or the Holy Spirit, I ask you to pray and ask him, into your heart, soul and body. Without God you can't do anything. Trust me I know this from my own experiences. Yes I was once a non-believer; now I am a true believer and glad to call myself a christian and catholic.

If your putting all your energies into work, fun and life and getting nothing in return, ask God to come into your life. I became a christian at the first Sunday or Lent. I did the R.C.I.A. classes, and then kept going to church and knowing that God was in my life, but I wasn't believing fully in him. I would pray only if someone I knew was sick, or I was in intense pain. I felt my prayers were going to nowhere, this made me stop praying and stop believing in God for a long time.

Don't get me wrong, I went to church, read the Bible and just took my pain meds and my meds for my asthma and mental health issues. Anyhow, I kept thinking about why God was working in other peoples lives and not mine. why was I so different. I actually started to believe what my mother and step-father used to tell me growing up. That I wasn't one of God's children, but one of Satan's children. I actually believed I would go to help as I was always told I was bad and evil. If you have a family that doesn't look after you, or abused ypou in any way. You need to get away from them and try and get help and guidance from social workers, but also ask GOD into your life. He will help you, you may not believe me, but this actually happened to me.

On the first Sunday of Lent, I prayed from leaving to go to church. Our friend Suzie Q picked us up and we went to church. While I was listening to the singing, the scriptures being read and the homily, I felt God enter my body and touch me. I was pain free for about 15-20minutes. If you let God into your life I believe he will touch you and help you heal from whatever you need healing from. Trust me it will happen, but not on our time. Never on our time. It is always on his time, God tells us what time and space he will work in us. So just be prepared for the time...

Baptist Vs Catholic: The Lord's Prayer

Catholic:- The Lords Prayer   
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
 But deliver us from evil... Amen

Baptist:- The Lords Prayer
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever... Amen.