Emptiness and Lost Feeling

It's just turned 12:53pm and I have had lunch. Now I am thinking about what is going to happen today. Since 2am, I have had feelings of emptiness, being alone, lost and anger. Losing a child is hard on anyone, but for me it's becoming a way of life. Giving everything up to God is always hard, but having him take your last child it makes me so angry, and furious about it. I know Paul is in a better place, and he is no in pain and is with God now. The only thing is I want him  with me, no somewhere I can't communicate with him.

Watching Troy on his computer is nice, he is relaxed and waiting to go visit his mom. I know she is going to be fine now the surgery is over with. Part of me wants her to die so Troy and his family can feel the pain I feel right now. I know this isn't very Christian of me, but it's how I feel right now. Don't get me wrong, I love Troy's mom and the rest of the family. The point is I have to lose and I believe someone else should too. The pain I feel inside, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But part of me wants someone else to feel pain, to be depressed and feeling alone.

I have read some scripture this morning, trying to see light were I see darkness. But every single scripture I read, is about death and resurrection. I know in time I will rejoin my children in heaven. I know they are happy, in no pain and waiting on me. But the thing is I want to be with them now, not later. I know Angela is going to do what is best for her and the kids. I doubt I'll ever see my grandchildren. I feel so lost and empty, I want out right now.

The point is I do feel so low, and empty. But I know God is in me, working his way to help me deal with his grief and anger I have in my heart right now. I have been praying all morning in the silence of my heart. I just want to feel at peace, that Paul is with his family up in heaven. Maybe in time I will want to write about how much my children strengthened me and touch me during their time with me.

It's time to write, to write my memoirs and some Christian fiction or Catholic fiction, even maybe a gay fiction story too. I need to get inspired and to do that I need to feel at peace. Which I don't feel right now. Maybe I will let Troy read how I feel and maybe he'll help me find peace, who knows what today will bring to me and help me settle my heart and be happy once again.