Dealing with Grief

It's Thursday 22nd April 2010. Today has been a rather tough time for me. First it was Paul's birthday, my son. Also it made me think about the direction of my life. It has been about two weeks since Paul passed and now he is with God. I've lost all of the children I've brought into this world. Today Everything I did, reminding me of my precious children and short a time I got with most. I've lost everyone of my children. I've given birth to eight children and adopted one, making it nine children.

Now I have to remember what to do with what I know about God, Jesus and Holy Ghost working in my life. Today it made me realize that life is given to us all, we are to use that gift, from God to use it to show God how much we thank him for the gift of life. If you have not used your life to empower God, you must think and act now.

We have so much to thank God for, I thank him for the gracious life I brought into this world. I have given birth to eight children, I can remember each time I gave birth to each child. I couldn't be home today, this was I would usually see my family on web-cam via YIM (Yahoo Instant Messenger). I'm in America, my family in England and Europe.

Now I am understanding God's use of me as a vessel of his word. Believing in God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost you have to have faith on things you can't see or touch, but they exist. Today I have cried and thought about Paul and how he touched my life throughout his life, just like my other children. They all taught me something about my life and how blessed I was to have been able to spend time with them, and be able to be a mother to them, even if it was short. I have loved my children, never not stopping once.

I'm starting to realize that God gave me a gift, that is for writing and having a gift to show others how much someone who was never loved, to love unconditionally to anyone in my life. I have been doing a lot of prayer and time in deep thought. Realizing that God gives us all a gift, what is yours? Mind is to be a writer and show others whom have gone through a hell of a lot abuse and broken through and understood that God doesn't stop loving you, he just gives you what will make you stronger, he is carrying you when you're weak, and in low spirit. Believe, trust, prayer.. is the way back to him!

Why I'm Afraid ?

Right now I'm thinking about what is frightening me from not transitioning. There are a few factors. One my parent's family, two my church friends and three all my online and other friends. This is difficult to come to terms with. Each time I look into the mirror, I see a face, mainly male. I have facial hair, my hair is short. My voice doesn't sound feminine too much. Most people who I call, call me sir.


Anyhow, my partner is 100% behind me if I change. There is one thing that bothers me. This is losing my partner as a friend and partner in a loving relationship. I've been told we won't be together as a couple as I'm gay. They aren't gay.  I am confused and lost in this world.


I believe in God, I'm a devote catholic and friends at church don't listen to me, when I try and tell them I'm not female. It just goes in one ear and out other. Something else is bothering me, does God disown you if you are trans and have a gender change operation? this is something I don't know...

I believe in God, Christ and the Holy Ghost. I believe that we are all created in God's likeness. But what if you inside are male, but body is female. And you change the body to match inside. Does he love you then? Does he want you then?