Saturday Road Trip

I was woken up this morning by Pacer around 6:15am. I got up, feeling rather tired and I know the cats wanted feeding. I was getting so dizzy, I fell, hitting my head on the cupboard. Not being able to feed the cats, I sat on the couch and tried to stop myself from getting dizzy. The dizzy spells are now constant. I hate the feeling the dizzy spells do to me, I want to be healthy and happy.

It's now 6:55pm, I'm watching Bones on TV and finding it very relaxing to watch, even though the episode is a very old one. Anyhow, At the farm and walking around the place, I felt a connection with God and Christ. When the guy was touching my head, I felt a inner glow. It was like God was guiding to be there, to be able to talk with Lourdes near the end. While Suzie Q was getting the car, I had a good talk with Lourdes and I felt her anguish and her pain. I have placed her family on my heart. God knows our pain, our inner turmoil. He is there for us all. I believe I'm here in Indiana for a reason.

Praying for my partner's family and my sisters and their families, this is something that will never stop. I pray daily to God and the Holy Ghost for my sisters and helping me gain strength and guidance to help my sisters and friends at church.

Tuesday Morning

Today has been a rather stressful morning so far. Yesterday was a complete nightmare. It's my anniversary to the first time I met my Troi. It's been a few months since he took his life and it made my life more difficult to manage, but I have survived. Yes, most people who know my, call me a survivor. why you might ask, well I'll explain below, just give a minute. Okay, give me a few minutes, I know Yes I know. God is in my head again and talking to me. I sure wish someone else could hear his ranting about what I should do for the day. Believe I hate it, but love it too...

My church friends and friend here in Indy know I am a survivor. I survived the many years of abused from the hands of my family and partners I had in England. I also survived cancer twice. Yes I know, I must me lucky. Yeah, the fact is God has told me he has a assignment for me to do, so I guess he'll never leave me alone till I've done my mission or job for him. But it has made me get a further understanding of God and my catholic beliefs.

Being a convert to the catholic faith, was a journey of discovery and delight at the same time. I can still remember the questions I'd ask Mary or Dave about what I believed and what the catholic faith people believed. Anyhow, I want to thank them for their help in understanding the sacraments and other things that make up the catholic faith. Now sure, but ever since Lent started I have been filled with the Holy Ghost and I feel it guiding me to the right path and how to become closer to God and Jesus.

If you ever feel alone, scared and lost, ask God for guidance, love and understanding. You'll receive that trust me. I have ten fold. Today, when I went back to the St Blog Parish, which is a site, where many catholic people or groups link to other blogs and sites about the catholic faith and you know.. yadda yadda.

Anyhow, I have been reading some the blogs on there and they touch me, I can't explain it, but when you feel touched by an angel, you'll know. I believe in God, Jesus and yes, I know and Angels. I believe I have a guardian angel and I believe everyone has one. It's just up to the individual to listen to there angel speak to them.

Catholic Vs Gender Dysphoria

I have come to get a closer look at my faith and my gender issues. I was at a church meeting tonight, I so wanted to tell the girls I was a gay male, but knew they might not understand. After listening to Helen's family problems so I knew it wasn't time to come out to my friends. I so longed for my girls to know the real me, and what I go through every single day. I wanted to tell my church friends about my true identity. Being a gay male inside a female body was torture every single minute. Wanting support and guidance from my friends, but knew it wasn't time. 

I got home around 9:40pm and I talked with my partner before they went to bed for the night. They have work in morning. Right now I am watching some crime show on you-tube. This is getting my mind of the thought of nightmares about my partners mother and her surgery. I want to find something inside myself to understand and tell the people in my life, that mean the world to me that I was hiding a dark secret. I wanted to ask God for help and guidance, but wasn't sure it would help. My thoughts keep going back to Helen and being there for her. 

I finally decided to pray about my feelings about my gender Identity and dealing with being a catholic and maybe changing my body to match my soul, mind and feelings. I know many people like me have the courage to change, but me, no chance of having that courage. I just want to be free to be me and let friends know how troubled I feel each and every day in the last ten years.

Christian Saints

Well now I'm fully awake and trying to figure out what the day has for me to do and experience. I started to hear the voice of reasoning and God. I started to research about the saints of all time. I found some interesting facts about some of the saints. Like I found out about the saint I chose to be my saint to always follow. St Clare Montefalco, also known as St Clare of the Cross. She was the one that spoke to me at the end of my R.C.I.A. classes before I was confirmed a full member of the catholic faith.

Think for a moment, if you are named after a saint, or you picked a name of a certain saint when you were confirmed or given first communion. Think, then look up about that saint and pray to God and your saint to give you guidance and know that saint is in you and believe in God and never forget the saints. They made it possible for us all to be able to believe, prayer and have the right to choose what religion we want, to choose to go to mass or church.

Tuesday Boredom

I woke up from a bad night, wanting to do something, but couldn't get the inspiration to write. I started to hear his voices again, like I have nothing better to do than listen to God's voice. Doesn't he ever stop? Well with me it seems he wants me to be aware and let people know he is there and if you want to have a closer look into your hear, soul, mind and body, he'll come to you too. Maybe I should get him to go to Suzie and she can deal with his voice and talking to her. But no it's me he talks to. Why me? Why not someone else?

Why me?
Well I believe he is talking tom be because he needs me to know of his thoughts and feeling about my life and the lives of others around me. Maybe if I had to think long and hard, I believe he is talking to me, to help me better understand the working of God and how he has always been with me throughout my life. I sure wish he go talk with my family, maybe get them to understand that I, yes I am free from them. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but I also hate what they did to me. I know it had to happen, but part of me feels that maybe if I'd been adopted maybe I wouldn't be the strong person everyone believes I am today.

Why not someone else?
Well God made it so I was made into a strong arm of his mighty power. I believe he wanted me to experience things beyond my control, to make me a stronghold of his love, his unconditional love. Yes, I know. God does love his people, that includes you. We are loved unconditionally. Yeah, I know. I went through hell and back and know of others who have had the journey worse than me and not as bad as me too. I feel God is guiding me, showing me his mighty hand. wanting us all to know when we feel so alone, so lost, so afraid of what is coming and what has taken place. He is going to always be there, you are never alone. Yes, NEVER!

When you feel weak, alone, scared, afraid close your eyes, and ask God to come into your heart, body, soul and mind. To enter your body and help you deal with the issues you're faced with daily. Yesterday was a bad day for me. It was the day my grandmother died. I wish I could tell her, she is loved and I'd never forget her kindness and love.

Baptist Vs Catholic: The Lord's Prayer

Catholic:- The Lords Prayer   
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
 But deliver us from evil... Amen

Baptist:- The Lords Prayer
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever... Amen.