Saturday Road Trip

I was woken up this morning by Pacer around 6:15am. I got up, feeling rather tired and I know the cats wanted feeding. I was getting so dizzy, I fell, hitting my head on the cupboard. Not being able to feed the cats, I sat on the couch and tried to stop myself from getting dizzy. The dizzy spells are now constant. I hate the feeling the dizzy spells do to me, I want to be healthy and happy.

It's now 6:55pm, I'm watching Bones on TV and finding it very relaxing to watch, even though the episode is a very old one. Anyhow, At the farm and walking around the place, I felt a connection with God and Christ. When the guy was touching my head, I felt a inner glow. It was like God was guiding to be there, to be able to talk with Lourdes near the end. While Suzie Q was getting the car, I had a good talk with Lourdes and I felt her anguish and her pain. I have placed her family on my heart. God knows our pain, our inner turmoil. He is there for us all. I believe I'm here in Indiana for a reason.

Praying for my partner's family and my sisters and their families, this is something that will never stop. I pray daily to God and the Holy Ghost for my sisters and helping me gain strength and guidance to help my sisters and friends at church.

Little children, come unto me

Look at this picture, what does it say to you? Think carefully for a moment, listen to your heart, your mind and spirit. Listen to hear the voice. Are you listening? 

When you listen to your heart, mind and body God will tell you his plan for you in his kingdom and how you can get there. For such a long time, I ignored the voice, I ignored the calling from him. Now I am alive with him inside me, yes inside. He touch me, he uses me, not in a bad way. In a good way. He is guiding me, to be his disciple and he is my guardian angel, guiding and letting me follow him into his kingdom.

Remember what he said to the two criminals either side of him as he hung on that cross dying. "You will be in my kingdom." Yes we can be there with him, you just have to believe, trust and obey him. It might be hard at first, but boy you'll be glad you did. I know I am glad, at time yes I get lower than the lowest. But then I try and remember God is in me, I just have to get him to make me feel better. 

Just think for a moment, Jesus said to go to him, not as we are. But as children. we are his children, his brother and sister. God to him and he will love you, care for you and guide you. Ask for him to come into your heart, soul and body. he will guide your feet and you'll go on the right path and success in your life. I have never felt good at anything in my life, but now I know I'm a good writer, okay my grammar sucks a little, but I am getting there. He is helping me, giving me the tools to be a writer. 

We can't do it alone, we need God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost in our lives, ask him to enter and you'll feel such a relief and happiness or just relaxation that God is there, carrying you if you're too weak to make the steps yourself. Love him, let him guide you. He made you, you are wonderful in his image. No matter if you're gay, lesbian, trans or straight. You are what you are because God make you this way.

Tuesday Morning

Today has been a rather stressful morning so far. Yesterday was a complete nightmare. It's my anniversary to the first time I met my Troi. It's been a few months since he took his life and it made my life more difficult to manage, but I have survived. Yes, most people who know my, call me a survivor. why you might ask, well I'll explain below, just give a minute. Okay, give me a few minutes, I know Yes I know. God is in my head again and talking to me. I sure wish someone else could hear his ranting about what I should do for the day. Believe I hate it, but love it too...

My church friends and friend here in Indy know I am a survivor. I survived the many years of abused from the hands of my family and partners I had in England. I also survived cancer twice. Yes I know, I must me lucky. Yeah, the fact is God has told me he has a assignment for me to do, so I guess he'll never leave me alone till I've done my mission or job for him. But it has made me get a further understanding of God and my catholic beliefs.

Being a convert to the catholic faith, was a journey of discovery and delight at the same time. I can still remember the questions I'd ask Mary or Dave about what I believed and what the catholic faith people believed. Anyhow, I want to thank them for their help in understanding the sacraments and other things that make up the catholic faith. Now sure, but ever since Lent started I have been filled with the Holy Ghost and I feel it guiding me to the right path and how to become closer to God and Jesus.

If you ever feel alone, scared and lost, ask God for guidance, love and understanding. You'll receive that trust me. I have ten fold. Today, when I went back to the St Blog Parish, which is a site, where many catholic people or groups link to other blogs and sites about the catholic faith and you know.. yadda yadda.

Anyhow, I have been reading some the blogs on there and they touch me, I can't explain it, but when you feel touched by an angel, you'll know. I believe in God, Jesus and yes, I know and Angels. I believe I have a guardian angel and I believe everyone has one. It's just up to the individual to listen to there angel speak to them.

Palm Sunday Mass

While winding down on a lovely day, I feel so emotional right now. I have absorbed as much as I can from the Mass this morning at church. It was Palm Sunday and I feel it made me very emotional and touching this year. I feel this Lenten season has touch my heart and soul very deeply this year. Usually I go to a few massing during lent and miss Palm Sunday and Ash Wednesday. Not this year. The first Sunday of lent I had a vision and felt touched by God himself. I can't explain, but I just feel touched. 

Today, I was in terrible intense pain throughout my body, knew I wasn't going to be able to sit through mass. I wanted to say no not go, let Troy go on his own. But something prompted me to get dressed and go, even with the pain being the worse it had been this year. While in church, during the reading and the Eucharist, I felt something, or someone enter my body and touch my heart. Once again, I was without pain for nearly the whole service. I have never been without pain, ask my friends and family. It was an amazing service and I feel God is guiding me through St Mark Church, to be a better catholic and be a prayer warrior. 

Wednesday evening meetings with my C.R.H.P. sisters is good. We talk about our week, then read scripture and then from the book from church and it for the Lenten season. I believe Suzie Q might be right, I have turned into a prayer warrior. I can't explain it, but when I feel the need to prayer, I hear the words of what I should say. it's like God is prompting me and guiding me in prayer. Lately I've been praying for Barbara, Helen and Michelle. I believe in the fact God answers prayer if you ask and pray with a sincere heart. 

If you want forgiveness, prayer, with a contrite spirit and a sincere heart and you'll get the answer to any prayer. But remember one thing, it's in God's time not our time. We have to understand that God is there guiding and showing us the right path to follow. Believe me when I say he is there, just ask him to enter your heart, soul, mind and body and he will come. I believe he  is there for me and my friends. I know believing in God can be hard and frustrating at times. But he is there listen to his words, but to be able to listen to God, you have to believe and have faith.

Faith and understanding go hand in hand with having a Christian background helps too. If you feel alone, feeble or weak in anyway, just ask God to help, he will come if you just ask him. Ask and you will receive, knock and the door will open. Remember to read your bible daily and pray about what you read and use it into your daily lives.Without God you have no hope, no love, no reassurance of happiness.

Ask yourself one question. Does God want me? The answers is Yes. God wants you, he loves you unconditionally. He has opened his arms, and all you have to do is run to him and he will wrap his loving arms around you. Carry you when your weak, be there when you feeling lonely and scared. He is there, let him into your heart. Trust me, he is there, you just have to ask and believe. You'll know once you feel his presence in your heart and body. Let the Holy Ghost guide you back to God.

The Trinity

My friends at church know I have been trying to many years to understand this, and what it was. I would argue with many friends, family members and church friends.I found it a hard concept to believe in. Trinity is about belief and understanding without really knowing what it is.


Right now, today I have started to realize that you just have to believe. Not just say you do, but actually believe with every part of your being. I have always argued that no one can believe in such nonsense. But today it came to me, I heard that voice again. Yes a voice from above. I heard that voice on Thursday night while at my C.R.H.P. meeting. Lourdes started off the praying circle before we concluded the meeting.


Anyhow, back to topic. While listening to Lourdes prayer, I never like praying aloud along with my other sisters. Yes I might not feel feminine, but I do love calling the girls my sisters. Right, I've drifted again. Back to topic. The Trinity has always been non believable to me. How can you be three and one at the same time. It's not possible. For years, I mean years. I have been trying to understand the trinity since I lost my grandmother. I know she was my maternal grandmother, died. I thought I was going to love having her dead. She was one of the first to abuse me as a young toddler and child. For my first four years I spent my young years in her care.


Sorry, I going off on tangents. Her death was devastating to me. I found I wanted her back, I couldn't cope without her. I turned to Ian for advice. He told me to get with it, but he also said maybe I needed God. I thought he was out of his mind. Our childhood was raised in abuse and catholic people. I hated the faith and I hated God, well I didn't quite believe there was a God. I thought if God really existed he would have saved me, Ian and Michael from our abusive family. Anyhow.


I started to look into some other faiths, religions. I first tried Mormonism. I found I was learning about some things, but I couldn't live with my ciggies and caffiene. Which was in coffee and my Pepsi. Couldn't live without them. I found that the religion wasn't for me. Then I remembered the religion my grandmother was getting into at the time of her death. Jehovah Witnesses. I contacted the lock Kingdom Hall and started to have a study with them, going to the kingdom hall and found I was starting to believe in the faith. I liked that they didn't believe in the trinity and they never celebrate Christmas and Birthdays. Which was nice to have. But to become on of them, I have to go door to door canvasing about there religion.


Then I tried to see what it would take to become Jewish, which was not good. Please if you are Jewish I mean no offence. Just the religion wasn't for me. Then I was put into the mental ward in the local hospital. I was suffering from severe depression and suicidal tendancies. Anyhow I meet this nice guy, who I told about my grandmother and about my feeling of masculinity and he said he could get his pastor to come see me and have a talk with me. I wasn't sure I wanted to try another dumb religion. and (yes) I thought by this pint religion was dumb and stupid. I was about to give up all hope, but Colin told me maybe this pastor could help me in some way. I knew it wasn't going to work, but I wanted to give it a go.


Anyhow the next day Colin was released and he got his pastor, David to come see me. This pastor didn't wear a dog collar or any fancy black clothes or anything. he was just in casual clothes and he did sound sincere. I talk with David and decided when I got out I would try going to their church. It was a baptist church in Walderslade, Chatham. This was in England.


After going a few times, I went on a course called alpha. This gave you a book to help you study your bible and get closer to God. I was through with anything and everything to do with getting help for my mental health, so I was hoping to try anything.


I finally got baptised and became a full member of the church. I never felt whole or complete. I couldn't get my head around the trinity thing. But now I'm a catholic and for the first few years I didn't believe this trinity was explainable, to be honest I thought it was a load of crap and baloney. To be honest I didn't think anyone would explain what the trinity was to me, so I could actually believe and accept it. Until Thursday evening, I hadn't believed in much bit God was one unique being, Jesus was his son and came to save us from our sin, and the Holy Ghost was something I didn't ever understand.


Something just popped while Lourdes was praying, I was so confused before hand about lent and the trinity. I was so not sure why not eating meat on Fridays during lent was worth it. I must admit, I not a big meat eater. I prefer fish and chicken. People say chicken is meat, which I do agree. But when I tell people I can eat fish during lent. I get scolded for eating it as most see fish as a meat too.


Let me get back to the topic in hand. I know I keep rattling off on tangents all the time. But at least I am learning as I write this post. I know rattling off is something I shouldn't do, but what the hay. Right, back to Thursday night. While Lourdes was saying her prayer, I was listening to her, when I heard a voice. and people who know me, I have voices in my head all the time. But his voice was different. It sounds gentle and it felt like I was hearing a voice of an angel. It's something I can't explain. 


This voice explained to me, that if I believe in him (God) and Jesus then I should believe in the Holy Ghost. I was like get out my head. But the voice persisted and I just had to forget hearing Lourdes and trying to ignore this heavenly voice, which was so hard to get out my head. Then it started to talk in Dutch, then Russian. I thought what is going on in my head. I was hearing this voice telling me to trust God and Jesus, then accept the Holy Ghost was their spirit, that would live in me and guide me when I needed their help most. I was trying to forget the words I was hearing, but they were kind of angelic in tone, like I was hearing God or Jesus talk to me. I opened my eyes, hoping to see one of the girls talking to me. Then I actually believe i was actually hearing God's voice. and I started to pay attention to the words. While I listened my turn to pray came up. I wanted to just pass like I usually did every time.


I started to say the words that i was hearing, I was praying out aloud for the first time in a long while. Then after I said my prayer I went silent and let the next in the circle to pray. Wanting to hear Amy pray, I heard the voice, which was now drowning out Amy's voice. The angelic voice was explaining the trinity. While listening to this voice. I started to realise that I was on hearing I was actually learning to believe and not try to analyse everything all the time. If I couldn't analyse and show facts for which was happening, I would say it was impossible. But then, thinking about the words and then realising that I was actually believing with my whole heart, soul and every part of my being to just trusting in God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost. I just put my trust in God and started to just accept that God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost were just things to believe and trust in God to reveal to me in time. I believe that God wanted this to happy, he has work for me to do.

I believe God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost are one, and also three. I know I could have just believed and trusted in God, but I feel what happened at Lourdes' house had to be. It was fate as I call it. I have always wanted to be a writer of gay or transgendered fiction for adults or/and young adults (12-25yrs old audience). I'm now realising that I have to let God guide my mind, words and writing in his hands and I will become a good, no a great writer one day. I have to let him guide my hand, let my words speak from my heart and soul in which his Holy Ghost resides in.