Last night there was a C.R.H.P. meeting, it wasn't about anything to do with serving a meal for the next C.R.H.P. We were working from a book Suzie Q had everyone on of us get, well except me of course. I was good at making that the point of discussion. Well for a little it was, then everyone arrived and we started to work through a book to discuss about Lent, as we're in the Lenten season at church.
All through the evening Suzie talked about a lot of different subjects and I found it very interesting. I got a lot our of the meeting and I can't wait for the next one next week. I believe Lent is special to the catholic faith and it is getting to me that I don't know enough about it.
While we read from the book and some scriptures too, which made me think about what Lent and being a catholic means to me. My biological family were catholic and due to them I hated the religion for a very long time. It made me want to never believe in God as my family hurt me in more ways than one.
Anyhow, back to last night. I found that all my C.R.H.P. sisters understand why I feel o guilt for the death of a man who ruined my life and I thought was going to do the same to my little sister who was only six yrs old. I have done a lot of bad things in my life, eg: murder, drugs, alcohol, fraud and hacking. I know these crimes can never been cleaned completely, but I have asked for forgiveness for all but one death. I want to remember for the rest of my life.
I know murder is bad in God and Jesus' eyes and in the law in any country. But there is something deep inside I want to never be forgiven for. The murder of my stepfather. I never did anything to stop his murder, but I also never was the one that killed him, but I watched it and I had a big grin on my face after we all ditched his body and Jake had someone take the rap so we didn't go to prison.
I hope in time I can ask God for my part in the murder, but right now I am glad we killed him and that he can't hurt my sister. She was safe and so were my family after he was gone. I feel my biological mother knew who killed him. Because before I left England to be with my online partner now my hubby. She told me she was glad he was gone. I just smiled and left. I knew Marie was safe from his clutches and my mother would love her like she deserved to be loved. Not like I was left out and abused for my entire life.
