Mormonism - Truth vs False

A long time ago when I lived in England. I was born a Catholic. I just never trusted the religion due to my parents being very abusive and some of the clergy too. My step-father would get the clergy to help abuse my in more ways than one. This as far as I'll go right now. I may post about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my family in the England/Europe when growing up as a child and adult even. It's a very long bitter childhood. I felt alone and very bitter to all my family. I grew up with nine brothers I was the only female. This was a very troubled time for me.

The time when I learned that Faith mattered was when I was four years old and my Nana Lily, my biological father's mother. The only family member who loved me and treated me with love, along with my only brother who treated me the same way. Taught me to read the Holy Bible. Nana Lily believe in God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. She taught me all about the stories in the bible. How the came to be written. WHo wrote the bible and why the bible was written. I found it uplighting.

If I knew then what I know now I would've never turned my back on the Catholic faith. I tried many different faiths in my lifetime. I first tried Jewish faith. I found them very restrictive on what the women could do. This did make me feel like I was less of a human being. I then tried Jehovah Witnesses. I liked what I learned about the faith. I did stop taking blood transfusions, it made it hard for some things like surgeries I had. Especially when I had my brain tumor. Having cancer in the brain was hard. My own family even told me I should die. I mean what mother wants her child to die to claim on a life insurance? WHo would do that to their own flesh and blood?

Then I tried the Chruch of England. It just wasn't me. Then Methodist. That was somewhat boring. It put me to sleep. I still read my bible while I pursued my dream of finding the right religion for me. I then at the ripe age of twenty-nine, I found a Mormon missionary in the town centre. The two missionaries talked with me in the town about the Book of Mormon, I was intrigued. I wanted to know more. They made an arrangement to come to my flat(apartment) to talk more about the Book of Mormon and their religion. I wanted to find out if this religion was for me.

They finally came to my place. They came regularly and we talked for hours. I read I studied the Book of Mormon. I then got the quad book. It contained Book of Mormon, D&C, Pearl of Great Price, Holy Bible. I would carry it everywhere I went. Read it, study it. I found the religion I wanted to be part of. The only thing was their church service was very long one. It was also split into separate rooms and sections. There was one for Sunday School, also one for adult women(Relief Society), main service. I was three hours lone in total. It was worth it.

Mormonism

Rule of the Faith

• No sex before marriage and complete fidelity after marriage.  Mormons believe the family is essential to God’s plan, so we don’t do anything that could jeopardize that.  The 10 commandments in the Bible says, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

• No alcohol or drugs.  Why?  We don’t want the effects of alcohol or drugs to influence us to make poor decisions.

• No dishonesty. Mormons believe it is important to keep Christ’s commandment in the Bible, to be honest with other people.  We aren’t perfect at it, but we strive to do our best.  The 10 commandments say not to “…bear false witness.”

• Donate 10% or more of your income to charity and the building up of the kingdom of God.  We believe that God is the Creator of the world.  We obey the law of the tithe to show our trust in God.  Because of the church’s almost complete lay ministry, the tithes are only spent for good instead of lining the pockets of a professional pastor.

• Do not view pornography.  We believe it’s incredibly belittling to women to treat them as objects, and pornography tempts the viewer to commit sin.  The 10 commandments say “thou shalt not covet.”

• Do not engage in same-sex relationships.  We are taught that marriage is ordained between a man and a woman.  We have great love and respect for ALL people–including gays and lesbians.  They are welcome to come to church and participate in the church, and we love them just as we would anyone else.  

• However, we do believe the Bible’s teachings that romantic relationships are ordained by God to be between man and woman.

• Dedicate Sundays to the Lord.  The 10 commandments from the Bible includes the commandment “Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.”  We attend church on Sundays where we study the words of Christ and worship God.

• No foul language.  We keep our language clean and respectful.  As it says in the 10 commandments, “Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain.”

• No cigarettes, coffee, tea, coffee or tobacco.  We believe life is a gift from God and we do our best to keep our bodies healthy and clean.  

• Teenagers shouldn’t date until 16 years-old.  We believe that teens should be careful to develop wholesome relationships in high school and should wait to develop serious boyfriend/girlfriend type relationships until they are of age to start courting and marrying.  This helps them to prevent the temptation of sexual sin.

• No abortion.  Members of the church strongly oppose abortion and do not participate in abortion in any way.  The 10 commandments say, “Thou shalt not kill.”  Church leaders have opened the possibility for abortion in extreme instances of danger to the mother’s life, incest, and rape.

• Gambling.  Mormons don’t bet money on games of chance or play the lottery.

I later was kicked out after like fours years in the faith. I was told I either stop drinking Pepsi and coffee or be removed from the church. I told them I just couldn't do that. I stopped the coffee. It wasn't a problem. The Pepsi was the problem. It was just a soda drink. nothing deadly in that. What was so wrong with a soda? It couldn't hurt me or anyone I was with. I was told I couldn't even talk with the friends I'd made in the church after I was removed from the church. This was so annoying. I was all alone again. I had nobody to talk with, nobody to turn to either. I was lost.

I later found someone coming to my door. they were from a church, a Baptist church. I was turning thirty-two at the time. I went to the church. It was a newly built church and the pastor was a nice friendly man. He approached me and we talked a while. He arranged for me to do a course called the alpha course. It was to teach about Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit. They were so kind, friendly and upbeat. I did the Alpha course and then got baptized in the church. I went almost every week. I stopped reading the Book of Mormon, I did keep the scriptures though.

Then when I was struggling to cope I found out my best friend died. I told my friend Allie. She put me in touch with a person In America. Their name will be nameless. They are now my partner. We have been together for nearly thirteen years. It'll be thirteen this October, thirteen on November 10th this year married. I think becoming a Catholic was the right choice. I have a stronger faith than I have ever had. I pray, study the bible daily.

Poem - I'm a Survivor

That moment when I heard the door closing behind
with all my memories inside,
my heart stopped beating.

I can't remember how I made it to the next corner
my body kept pushing for a safe place to hide.
This road I had to travel taught me how to survive
the people I met along the way were a true blessing.

When you think there is no way out
God will send one of his Angels to make it right.

Poem - There Is A God

There is a place called heaven

This I can undoubtedly say

Without any hesitation

Of what this message conveys

There are no words to describe it

No visuals that can compare

Such as roads of gold or gates that scroll

Beyond Earth's hemisphere

One night while I was sleeping

My soul started to be raised

Sitting up from within my body

With arms in heavenly praise

What brought this spiritual moment

This I do not know

But the feelings felt within myself

Were shared to me by soul

There was an ultimate feeling of self-giving

A surrendering of my total being

No other thoughts came to mind

Except praising God as my king

The love I felt was immeasurable

No past love came close to compare

A love so strong and powerful

Yet seemed to have always been there

The soul itself was not a mist 

Or foggy image seen

But an array of electrical colors 

Though formed in my earthly being

As my soul descended back 

To where my body laid

A gasp of air was all it took

To make me step forth and say

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/there-is-a-god

Poem - The Autumn Sky

A time has come I've always feared, 
A time without my love.
I break away each night and day,
to plead to the gods above.

A kiss, a hug, or a simple smile,
To fill my heart content.
Instead i dwell in loving hell,
Of times in the past we've spent.

I beg the stars in the autumn sky,
for an answer that fills me sober.
Orion will look which time has took,
August, September, and October.

I have faith in dear Cephius,
For he points in your direction.
Please send my note in loves devote,
My message of love and affection.

Poem - Life's Garden

Surround yourself
With the goodness of God.
When you see the things good,
Give them a nod. 
But for things that are bad,
Turn and say, No!
For whatever you feed,
Will be that which will grow.

Poem - Touch of Faith

A woman afflicted with a rare blood disorder, reached out a hand and touched a cloth border. The garment was holy as it was what Jesus wear, "Who touched me?" He questioned all who were there. The woman noticed that she was not hid, trembling before him she admitted she did. "I have been healed from the depths of my pain," she told him why and she tried to explain. Jesus called her daughter, brought warmth to her soul, "Be of good comfort thy faith made thee whole."   The heavens are open with the light of His Love, faithful in spirit, sweet blessings above.

Poem - I'm Drowning in Your Grace

*To the One who never gets tired of me, chases after me when I run away, listens to me with utmost care, knows me much and loves me truly than any man on earth, I love You Jesus*

How can I measure the depth
That's way deeper than the great blue seas?
The one that won't let you out of the surface
Lord, I'm drowning in Your grace.

How far can it reach-
The arms so stretched out for a warm embrace?
The kind that lonely souls cannot resist
Lord, I'm drowning in Your grace.

How long does it last-
That loving kindness upon Your face?
The one that is renewed day by day
Lord, I'm drowning in Your grace.

How vast is the love
That You have shown in countless ways?
The kind that's so stubborn it never lets go
Lord, I'm drowning in Your grace.

How can I fully understand
The wonders and beauty of the days
That I'm thankful for I can let myself go
And to drown Lord, in Your deepest grace.

Fourth Sunday of Advent - Vision

This morning I was in so much pain I didn't want to go to church. But I had this feeling I had to go and manage through the intense pain in my back and knees. Suzie was late picking us up. She was late due to her car not starting due to the frost. We went into the chapel, I sat there listening to the choir singing. They were good. They made church bearable for me. I sat down and with eyes open, I said a quick prayer. The prayer was for the girls I hold dear to my heart who needs God's love and spirit.

After the Eucharist, I sat down and closing my eyes, I prayed as hard as I could for Lourdes and Amy. They have been in my constant thoughts this past week. I will remember I have it good. Most people, even my girls get it hard sometimes. Amy is struggling and I want her to be at peace with God's Spirit in her, working wonders. I also hope Lourdes and Robin have God's Spirit with them also. They are also struggling with money worries and other problems.

During my prayer, I was whisked away. I was not in my seat, I was on a cloud with God's Angels. There was two of them this time. They showed me what my future holds for me and my husband.  I will sell my books, but not till my time is here. Plus they told me in words I couldn't expect to hear. "God has chosen you to be his light. You will guide young children and teenagers back to him. You will show them God has not forgotten their struggles and he is there for them always. Also he wants you to show the youth and young adults that God is there if they just ask him into their hearts."

After they stopped talking I saw Nana Lily and Barbie standing before me and they each cuddled me. It felt so good. They also told me to not worry. To stop being sad and start to be happy. They were special to me in my life. "Child, I love you very much. You need to follow God's Spirit and let him guide me through the trails I have. Rest in God in all things." Nana Lily told me in her words. "Also remember that I love you also. We are happy here. There is a place for you up here. Just not right now. You must write, and spread God's Spirit and unconditional love to the youth and young adults on earth." Barbie added. I smiled and hugged both. I felt them hugging me like they were alive.

Within seconds I was back sitting next to my husband and we were finishing up mass. Something from my vision told me I will be famous. Just not wealthy. I just want to spread God's love to all who need it. I am thankful for what God has done for me, given me and I must let him guide and show me the right path.

Poem - Good Christian

You tell me you're a good Christian,
That's what you have confessed.
You act like you know everything,
Like you're divinely blessed.

You look down on those around you,
With judgment in your eyes.
You cannot be one of the flock,
You want the shepherd's prize.

You claim to know the mind of God,
He whispers in your ear.
You say He shares His will with you,
And you share what you hear.

You act like you're above it all,
Like you are free of sin.
And if we do not follow YOU,
Our souls will be condemned.

But if rebuke should come your way,
With scripture on its side,
You'll just attack my character
With venom born of pride.

You claim to be a good Christian,
But I will disagree.
The one who must exalt himself,
Will never truly see.

For self is all your eyes behold,
To God's will, you are blind.
And if the flock should follow you
A pit is all they'll find.

For he who leads, but can't be led,
Is inane and hollow.
While your own pride and vanity
Are the gods you follow.

The one who lies in our Lord's name
Exalts himself to men.
He blasphemes the Holy Spirit,
And can't be freed from sin.

You claim to be a good Christian,
Insisting this is true.
Yet deep within Hell's pit, you'll find
Good Christians, just like you.

The Servant Song - My thoughts

During this weekend, I have found that I have be touched by God. Usually I hear his voice telling me something during mass. The thing was I usually sit with my husband, but this weekend he was doing CRHP. He was on the giving side. He is in team 14. He gave his witness and During holy hour, I felt God's spirit enter me and touch me like nothing I'd ever felt before. The songs touched my hear and told me what my vocation is and not to let anyone tell me otherwise.

The Song before this post is about being a servant to God. I'd done CRHP myself. I was on team 12. This lenten journey my girls, my sisters in Christ have been learning about ourselves and what it means to study and be a disciple of God. This Sunday afternoon we studied the bible and talked about being a servant woman. The study touched my heart and I wanted to share with the world how God can hear our prayers. He is there and guiding us to fullfill his promise to all mankind. If you ask for his Holy Spirit to enter our mind, body and Soul. Just let him into you, let Jesus be your Savior.

Living without Jesus or God, you will always find something missing in your life. I know this since a very young age. When I was in boarding school, we were sent to church every Sunday. I would mess around and this church was boring and not for me. Then I lost the only relative that loved me. She died and I was aleft alone with a hole in my heart and felt something was missing. I went through life knowing that special something wasn't going to come to me. I had to go find it myself.

I tried several churches and faiths. Baptist, Mormon, Jehovah Witness, Jewish faith and a a few more. I know that there are people out there that might be one of the gfaiths I have listed. I'm not knocking your faith, it just wasnt the right faith for me. I became a Catholic. I foudn God touching my heart, mind and soul each day. I went through RCIA and became a devote Catholic.

Since Easter 2007, were I was comfirmed to be a Catholic. I believe it was the right church for me. I made a ton of friends. When I lived in England, I hhad no true friends that would be there for me no matter what. I have friends now, a new family at St Marks and my husband's family also. I have a connection to God and he is leading me do his work. I believe he gave me my gift to write and I'm using this gift to show the youth of today to lead tyhem back to Him and hopefully show them that God exists and loves them...

Two Greatest Commandments

The Two Great Commandments

that contain the whole law of God are:

You shall love the Lord your God with your whole heart, and with your whole soul, and with your whole mind, and with your whole strength; you shall love your neighbor as yourself.


To love God, our neighbor, and ourselves, we must keep the commandments of God and of the Church, and perform the spiritual and corporal works of mercy.

After doing some good soul searching and studying Greatest Commandments to be more important than any other. We need to think about these two commandments. What do they tell us about God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. I know that I must follow these and the rest of God's commandments at all times. This means to follow in Jesus footsteps. I know it will take a lot out of us to do so, but it's what God wants us to do. God made us, he created us. This means we have to follow him, till we can once again be with him.

Holiday Season

Right now I'm listening to music on http://YouTube.com. I'm listening to spice girls and some Christmas music. The spice girls are making me remember the first time I wrote something. I'm remembering my life in England and here in America. I love America more than anywhere I've lived in my whole life. I love being here and having the family I desire in my own life.

I been thinking about this Holiday Season. If you're a christian, you will know this holiday season isn't about Santa and presents and gifts from family ad friends. This holiday season is about our LORD and Savior. Yes God and Christ is the real reason for this season of giving and receiving. Jesus taught the disciples to go forth and declare to the world he will come again and show them mercy, love and friendship. Yes God gives us his unconditional love, repentance and guidance along with many other gifts we receive from his Holy Ghost/ Holy Spirit. call it what you like. Christ is our Savior and he will guide us back to God at the right time.

Daily Scripture - 2 Timothy 1:7

2 Tim 1:7
God's gift was not the spirit of timidity,
but the Spirit of power, and love,
and self-control.

This scripture tells us about how powerful the Holy Ghost is. It's God spirit to work in our lives and show us how loving and caring God is to us, especially in times of trails and hardships. I know the Holy Ghost had shown me the mercy and unconditional love of God. I believe he sends his angels to watch over us and show us the might wisdom of his love. Pray and he will guide you and the Holy Ghost will show you the right way to live your life.

Poem Thank you Heavenly Father

I thank you heavenly father for sustaining me through the night.
I thank you for your love, and the dawns bright light.
I thank you heavenly father for my health, and strength.
I thank you heavenly father for Jesus, your son, that you've sent.

I thank you heavenly father for the fruits and the trees.
I thank you heavenly father for the wind that blows free.
I thank you heavenly father for the sunshine, and rain.
I thank you heavenly father for taking away, all my aches and pain.

I thank you heavenly father for showing me the right way.
I thank you for my burdens that you've lifted today.
I thank you heavenly father, for always being there for me.

Heavenly father, my thanks to you goes beyond infinity.

Daily Scripture: Acts: 16:9

Acts 16:9
During the night Paul had a vision of a man from Macedonia. The man urged Paul, "Come to Macedonia to help us."

After reading this scripture, I found myself thinking long and hard. It tells me that God gave Paul a vision, this is a message from God to either do something, or go somewhere. Paul was an apostle and a true believer in God and Christ. I am also a believer in God and Christ. I believe during lent he gave me visions and let me hear his holy angels voices.

This is what made me know I'm a disciple of God and he is leading me to do his work. I also because he gave me a wonderful gift. The gift of writing. I write stories that are christian and aimed for the young adult crowd. This means I write stories for the children of our future. The age range is 12 to 18 yrs old. I believe we have to invest in their future. They are the disciples of the future. Let us prepare a way for them to come to Christ and God. They are his children, just like we are their children

Romans 8:1-11 Daily Scripture

So those who are believers in Christ Jesus can no longer be condemned. The standards of the Spirit, who gives life through Christ Jesus, have set you free from the standards of sin and death. It is impossible to do what God’s standards demand because of the weakness our human nature has. But God sent his Son to have a human nature as sinners have and to pay for sin. That way God condemned sin in our corrupt nature. Therefore, we, who do not live by our corrupt nature but by our spiritual nature, are able to meet God’s standards.


Those who live by the corrupt nature have the corrupt nature’s attitude. But those who live by the spiritual nature have the spiritual nature’s attitude. The corrupt nature’s attitude leads to death. But the spiritual nature’s attitude leads to life and peace. This is so because the corrupt nature has a hostile attitude toward God. It refuses to place itself under the authority of God’s standards because it can’t. Those who are under the control of the corrupt nature can’t please God. But if God’s Spirit lives in you, you are under the control of your spiritual nature, not your corrupt nature.


Whoever doesn’t have the Spirit of Christ doesn’t belong to him. However, if Christ lives in you, your bodies are dead because of sin, but your spirits are alive because you have God’s approval. Does the Spirit of the one who brought Jesus back to life live in you? Then the one who brought Christ back to life will also make your mortal bodies alive by his Spirit who lives in you. 

This scripture tells me, that I have to have the spirit of God, the Holy Ghost living and breathing inside my body, soul, heart and strength. I believe I do have the Holy Ghost living inside. I pray daily for this spirit of God to lead my path, let me know what is right, and what is not. I feel God guiding spirit living, and dwelling inside my soul and heart.


Remember: to pray daily, you need to have God living, and breathing inside. Without God's guiding spirit within your, you're going to fail at every thing you try and do!

With God's Guidance or Without God's Guidance

Without God's Guidance
Without having God to guide you in your daily life, is not a good prospect. When I sit on the couch and switch my laptop on ad get writing or watching TV etc, I get no inspiration to write or whatever I plan on doing during the day. I lack guidance and I waste the day away. Also my depression rises to escalating levels and I feel suicidal and I'm at rock bottom. I have a few mental health issues and people who know me I suffer intense pain levels in my legs, knees, lower back, plus my asthma and epilepsy are bad too.

With God's Guidance
I pray for God's guidance and inspiration in my daily life. After prayer, I study God's word, the Bible. After this I have breakfast and then turn on my computer and check emails, and chat to friends while I research about a story I want to write, plus write with guidance from God to let me write my current story. I'm always busy and focused when I have let God into my heart for that day.

Remember: with God in your heart, soul and mind you are not ready for the day ahead. Talk to him, ask him into your heart, mind and soul. Let him guide your every minute each day...

Realization of Gender Dysphoria

 Today I woke up, I totally identified as male. Then My church friend turned up and I knew if I went to church, everyone would identify me as the gender of this body, female. I am having a hard time dealing with the issues of the body being the wrong gender. It is like I have no way to be me. Each time I look into a mirror, touch my chest, go to the bathroom; it all says I'm female. Then I just burst into fits of anger, and then the tears coming flowing down my cheeks. It's torture.


Talked to my partner and roommate. Sharing a house with Mel, is delightful. She has such a gentle and sweet nature. She sees me as male and not what the body looks like. Which is nice. Then it comes out. They are never going to change and it makes me realize maybe I'll never get the chance to change and have the outside look and match the inside. Each day is like having to look at a image in a mirror and having it always lying to you. You feel and act like a man/boy buut you look like a female/girl. This is quite common these days.


In this day and age, transgendered children/adults are more comment than they were when I was a child. Now in these times, 2010 children are getting to chance to change there gender once being diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria. When I was a child, I knew by the age of nine, I was different. I knew I was born into the wrong body so to speak.


What is meant to happen in the womb, is a child is conceived and started to grow. During the growth process in the womb, a baby is given male and female hormones. But then there is a break up and in transgendered children they get given more of the opposite hormones and that means the genitals start growing, but in the mind, heart and soul of the growing child is also given the right hormones and growth processes and they child feels male or female in all ways, but the gender is totally the opposite once born. If this talks about how you feel, seek help from a therapist or councellor.


Back in the early 1970's when I was born, it was not common and it was rare for this to happen. The thing back then if you changed your gender and had children. The children were taken from you and put into the foster care system. This is what happen to me, well sort of. My father was a MtF(male to female) and had surgery and hormones to become a woman. My father left me at the age of four and I never saw him till I was sixteen.


Now I faced this during my life. I was born female, but identify as male. It's like a nightmare, but you have to watch people say things to you eg. {Hello Miss, Can and I help you Ma'am} in places like stores and libraries and other common places. Since the age of eighteen, I haven't owned a skirt, dress or underwear of females. I dress in male clothes, I have my hair short and bind my chest. Hating what I see in the mirror, but knowing due to my physical health issues, I can't get onto T(Testosterone) or have SRS(Sex Reassignment Surgery).


I'm now 41, living in America and away from my biological family. My partner's family, to know I'm married to. They are devoted Catholics and go to church weekly for mass. I converted to be a Catholic to see if that would rid me of these feelings of being trapped into a body that I can't deal with having. But I became to get closer connection with God, and made some good friends at out local church. The only thing wrong, is I'm male through and through. Wanting to come out and tell the world I'm not who they think I am. I'm Jools not Lisa. But I have to realize that is something I can't change. I've been told I can go back to England and get onto hormones and have surgery done. But I would have to give up my friends I have in America.


Today I knew I had to be alone, as my partner had to work. Feeling alone and frightened, lost and without hope. This is always how I feel when I'm with people or not. I want my girls from church to know I'm a man, I want them to know what life is like inside and outside for me. When will this time come.. I just don't know.

Emptiness and Lost Feeling

It's just turned 12:53pm and I have had lunch. Now I am thinking about what is going to happen today. Since 2am, I have had feelings of emptiness, being alone, lost and anger. Losing a child is hard on anyone, but for me it's becoming a way of life. Giving everything up to God is always hard, but having him take your last child it makes me so angry, and furious about it. I know Paul is in a better place, and he is no in pain and is with God now. The only thing is I want him  with me, no somewhere I can't communicate with him.

Watching Troy on his computer is nice, he is relaxed and waiting to go visit his mom. I know she is going to be fine now the surgery is over with. Part of me wants her to die so Troy and his family can feel the pain I feel right now. I know this isn't very Christian of me, but it's how I feel right now. Don't get me wrong, I love Troy's mom and the rest of the family. The point is I have to lose and I believe someone else should too. The pain I feel inside, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But part of me wants someone else to feel pain, to be depressed and feeling alone.

I have read some scripture this morning, trying to see light were I see darkness. But every single scripture I read, is about death and resurrection. I know in time I will rejoin my children in heaven. I know they are happy, in no pain and waiting on me. But the thing is I want to be with them now, not later. I know Angela is going to do what is best for her and the kids. I doubt I'll ever see my grandchildren. I feel so lost and empty, I want out right now.

The point is I do feel so low, and empty. But I know God is in me, working his way to help me deal with his grief and anger I have in my heart right now. I have been praying all morning in the silence of my heart. I just want to feel at peace, that Paul is with his family up in heaven. Maybe in time I will want to write about how much my children strengthened me and touch me during their time with me.

It's time to write, to write my memoirs and some Christian fiction or Catholic fiction, even maybe a gay fiction story too. I need to get inspired and to do that I need to feel at peace. Which I don't feel right now. Maybe I will let Troy read how I feel and maybe he'll help me find peace, who knows what today will bring to me and help me settle my heart and be happy once again.

Thursday Lunchtime

This morning was rather okay, since I got a call from Angela. It was the news I'd feared. She called me around 2am my time. I had prayed the night before and hoped for a healing touch on my son. All through my life, I have had children, but it seems to me that I'm not meant to have children. I have lost Raven and Luke, Chelsea, Phillip and Michelle, Joshua, Keiran, Michael, and now my Paul has been taken. What am I to do now? Why God? Why take my children? Did I deserve to lose so many children?

I have thought long and hard this morning and wondered if there was a purpose for me losing my children. I just fear if I ever have any children with Troy, they will somehow die. I do have a strong belief in God, Christ and the Holy Ghost. But I fear I couldn't handle losing another child. Why am I doomed to always feel alone, lost and tortured. I believe in God, I let him into my heart, soul,mind and body.  This shouldn't be happening to me now. I am a good christian, and firm believer.

I hate life right now, not sure what to think or feel. Just right now I feel so numb and empty. My partner Troy, is spending time on his computer. I want to cry and scream at the same time. I know being angry at God isn't the way to go. But I just think my life is doomed from the get-go. Since being in Indiana, I have joined a church, go regularly to church, I made friends. I did the C.R.H.P. retreat and now I am barren, no children, no family to inherit my fortune. When I get one that is...