Hope - Having a Little Hope

Since my experience on Sunday at church I'd been doing a lot of soul searching. Wasn't sure whether o r not to talk to anyone about what happened or not. All I know For the past three months I've been praying for my C.R.H.P. sisters an my best friend in church Mary-Lynn. They all mean the world to me and they are the closest friends I have in Indiana. Mary-Lynn  and Amy's mom has cancer and going through a lot right now. They need prayers. Plus Amy's daughter is also going through a lot. Plus Helen friend has been dealing with the same form of cancer as my partner's mother type of cancer. I wish there was a way to rid cancer of any form from this world. I know I can't. The only one who can cure cancer is God.

On Sunday an Angel came to me in a visitation after Eucharist. I was whisked away onto a pure white cloud. We waked for what seemed forever. The ground went from white as snow to green and luscious filled with lovely grass and blooming flowers of all different colors. There was an abundance of bloom. we walked down a concrete path. I saw children swinging on swings, playing on jungle gyms. It was beautiful. The Angel told me to have hope. God has plans for you all.

He told me that Amy's daughter will regain her faith in time. In God's time we will have to wait for that time to come. It might be a short wait, or a long wait. Just keep praying and asking for guidance and strength to keep us all strong and never give up.

Daily Scripture - Malachi 2:17

You have wearied the LORD with your words. "How have we wearied him?" you ask. By saying, "All who do evil are good in the eyes of the LORD, and he is pleased with them" or "Where is the God of justice?" 

This scripture tells us about the end of times. We need to think about the time of judgment. I believe judgment time is coming and we need to think about our lives and how we've lived. I have a past shady past. I know I am a born again christian and being a christian means that I have offered my life up to GOD. HE is there for me. I am there willing to listen and take in his mighty words and ways he leading me through this life into the next.

I'm thankful he is there, guiding my steps through life. I urge everyone to read the bible, his guiding the many writers inspired of GOD. Believe, trust and always follow the LORD. Without God we are nothing. Without God we are walking mindlessly in this world. Ask him to come into your lives, let him lead you and guide your paths...

Poem Thank you Heavenly Father

I thank you heavenly father for sustaining me through the night.
I thank you for your love, and the dawns bright light.
I thank you heavenly father for my health, and strength.
I thank you heavenly father for Jesus, your son, that you've sent.

I thank you heavenly father for the fruits and the trees.
I thank you heavenly father for the wind that blows free.
I thank you heavenly father for the sunshine, and rain.
I thank you heavenly father for taking away, all my aches and pain.

I thank you heavenly father for showing me the right way.
I thank you for my burdens that you've lifted today.
I thank you heavenly father, for always being there for me.

Heavenly father, my thanks to you goes beyond infinity.

Guardian Angels and Prayer

This morning I slept in, my partner had to wake me up around 8:50am this morning. It was bitterly cold outside, even with a jacket on. I got to church just as mass was starting. Suzie Q was running behind, no shock there. She is one of my best friends. Anyhow back on track. Placing myself next to my partner I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer of my heart. I believe the service was to touch my heart and release the walls  I usually keep up in my head. I never let anyone into my head and I never respect or trust anyone but my life partner and their family. I've not even trusted my close friends with what I have been through in my entire life.

During the homily I felt touched by the talk of guardian angels and how angels do the work of God and guide us to fulfill what our vocations. I believe my vocation is to write stories christian stories to bring young adults into the fold of God. We are here if not for the youth then who. Trust in the Lord and in him we will see mighty things.

I know it's hard at times, but I believe the homily was to speak to me and let me know he has my corner. Knowing that God is in my corner make me feel that I can get through everything. Remember with God and Jesus in your corner, you will do fine. I know with them in my corner, I can conquer any trouble I come up against. In your find something hard to finished or do, open your heart, and say a simple prayer up to God and his angels and they will guide your paths.

Guidance and Angelic Guardianship

I've be depressed and feeling rock bottom today, much over the last week. Today I said a small prayer to God and his heavenly angels. I wanted guidance, advice and how to get myself through the rough patches. This afternoon I found Daniel C 33-42. It talked about how God Angel took Habakkuk who'd cooked a meal of stew and bread. To take food for Daniel who was in the lions pit. After the angel took Habakkuk to Daniel and fed him the food, the angel returned Habakkuk to his home.

Then the king visited Daniel in the pit. He assumed Daniel would be dead. But instead found Daniel much alive and sitting in the midst of the lions. He released Daniel, singing praise to Our God, the God of Daniel...

THis shows us all, we we have faith, and stick to God's guidebook, the BIBLE. we too can be enriched and enlighted by God's spoken word through his prophets and their inspired writing in our best book ever, the bible.

Panic Attacks and God's Guidance

This morning Troy and myself had to travel downtown to get my bus pass renewed. This sounds easy doesn't it. But you are completely wrong. First, when the bus arrived to take us downtown, I was in my wheelchair. I was put on a lift to get in and out the bus. Then traveling through town, the driver went via interstate. On the interstate you end up going over bridges and flyovers. These create panic inside me. I have a phobia of being tossed out of a moving vehicle, plus being flung off a bridge.

On the ride home, I was in a major panic mode. Troy was busying reading his book. I closed my eyes, in hope of Troy letting me know when it was safe to open them again. But he didn't. I then heard a voice. No I not joking. I heard a voice, it wasn't Troy or the bus driver either. I hadn't prayed for guidance or strength either. But the voice told me to relax, breath deeply and observe the trees, cars and trucks we passed. And descibing them to the heavenly voice. I believe God sent his Holy Ghost came to me and help me through the journey home. I got home and got into our apartment and I felt heaps better.

Once I'd eaten something, I prayed to God for many thanks for helping me in my time of need. I believe even when we don't ask for God, Christ and the Holy Ghost to help us through a trying time, they come anyway. To believe in this happening every time, trust me it happens. I know you might think, I've lost my marbles and got completely bananas. But I'm not crazy, I just believe...

John 1:14 The Word - Jesus

John 1:14 The Word became a human being and, full of grace and truth, lived among us. We saw his glory, the glory which he received as the Father's only Son.

Read the verse, what does it tell you? Does it explain everything? Do you know who the Word is referring to?

Jesus is the Word. God is the Word. God has no beginning or end. He created everything in existence. In my ‘Student Catholic Study Bible’, the version is Good News Translation. On the first page of John chapter one, reads on a corner, saying how we should view the scripture that can baffle me and most people studying the bible. ‘Jesus is what God wants for us.’ This is written in the words of a child.

Children are the very thing to listen to when they talk about God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost. The trinity has baffled me for eons, or years. I have never understood it. Being three separate beings, but also being three in one at the same time; this should be not understood, but believe and have faith as this is what Jesus taught us.

He taught us many different things on his time on this earth. The words of his wisdom, knowledge and rules for life are in the Holy Bible. Read, prayer, ponder. These are the things we should do daily, without question. Lately I have been lacking in this. Usually I read and study the bible daily, but for the last two weeks, I’ve done nothing to keep Jesus and God in my heart, mind or soul.

This morning after my counseling session with my therapist, I realized one thing. I need God. Without God in our daily lives, we will be lost, alone and lacking faith and wisdom to get through our lives little problems and trials. Trust in God, read the scripture; reading the Holy Bible, God manual for us. Yes I know it sounds a bit far fetched, but the Bible is God manual for us. It tells about how God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Ghost wants us to live and return one day to reside with them in heaven. Without God guiding us, we will loss the way, get tempted and lack the wisdom, guidance we get from our connection with God.

Having God guiding our every little step we take through life and what goes on in our life every single minute and second. Remember he knew us before we were formed in our mother’s womb. I ask you to read five verses each day, then pray about what you’ve read. Ponder the words, let the words and God’s spirit, the Holy Ghost enter into your being and it will guide you, leading you from any dark place, to enlightenment and survival.

Inspiration From Places and Books

It's now 4:09pm and I'm at Franklin Road Library.  I came her with my partner and we played some games a most the afternoon I've been writing a lot of my current story. I do love playing games, but my genius is writing, because I'm good at it. But God gave me this gift an I'm using it to bring people back to him. God is the most important person in each of our lives, if we don't pray and learn to get closer to him and his begotten son Christ, we will never get eternal life. 


My story - Renewal of Faith is coming on strong.  Yes I have spent two days writing and I'm almost done with my second chapter. I think I have found a new insight to God's gifts he endows us with. If you let that gift go by the sidelines, you'll never understand his wonderous gifts he handed down to us via the Holy Ghost. I pray daily for my gift to lead me to him and to be able to write the sort of stories I want my children to read and enjoy.

I believe I my gifts, which make me a follower of God. If you follow God, and pray ad he'll hand you down a gift, but remember if you let your gift dwindle and not use it. It can be taken away. Pray, study the bible and praise God in all things and everything will be right with you and God. 

Emptiness and Lost Feeling

It's just turned 12:53pm and I have had lunch. Now I am thinking about what is going to happen today. Since 2am, I have had feelings of emptiness, being alone, lost and anger. Losing a child is hard on anyone, but for me it's becoming a way of life. Giving everything up to God is always hard, but having him take your last child it makes me so angry, and furious about it. I know Paul is in a better place, and he is no in pain and is with God now. The only thing is I want him  with me, no somewhere I can't communicate with him.

Watching Troy on his computer is nice, he is relaxed and waiting to go visit his mom. I know she is going to be fine now the surgery is over with. Part of me wants her to die so Troy and his family can feel the pain I feel right now. I know this isn't very Christian of me, but it's how I feel right now. Don't get me wrong, I love Troy's mom and the rest of the family. The point is I have to lose and I believe someone else should too. The pain I feel inside, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But part of me wants someone else to feel pain, to be depressed and feeling alone.

I have read some scripture this morning, trying to see light were I see darkness. But every single scripture I read, is about death and resurrection. I know in time I will rejoin my children in heaven. I know they are happy, in no pain and waiting on me. But the thing is I want to be with them now, not later. I know Angela is going to do what is best for her and the kids. I doubt I'll ever see my grandchildren. I feel so lost and empty, I want out right now.

The point is I do feel so low, and empty. But I know God is in me, working his way to help me deal with his grief and anger I have in my heart right now. I have been praying all morning in the silence of my heart. I just want to feel at peace, that Paul is with his family up in heaven. Maybe in time I will want to write about how much my children strengthened me and touch me during their time with me.

It's time to write, to write my memoirs and some Christian fiction or Catholic fiction, even maybe a gay fiction story too. I need to get inspired and to do that I need to feel at peace. Which I don't feel right now. Maybe I will let Troy read how I feel and maybe he'll help me find peace, who knows what today will bring to me and help me settle my heart and be happy once again.

Little children, come unto me

Look at this picture, what does it say to you? Think carefully for a moment, listen to your heart, your mind and spirit. Listen to hear the voice. Are you listening? 

When you listen to your heart, mind and body God will tell you his plan for you in his kingdom and how you can get there. For such a long time, I ignored the voice, I ignored the calling from him. Now I am alive with him inside me, yes inside. He touch me, he uses me, not in a bad way. In a good way. He is guiding me, to be his disciple and he is my guardian angel, guiding and letting me follow him into his kingdom.

Remember what he said to the two criminals either side of him as he hung on that cross dying. "You will be in my kingdom." Yes we can be there with him, you just have to believe, trust and obey him. It might be hard at first, but boy you'll be glad you did. I know I am glad, at time yes I get lower than the lowest. But then I try and remember God is in me, I just have to get him to make me feel better. 

Just think for a moment, Jesus said to go to him, not as we are. But as children. we are his children, his brother and sister. God to him and he will love you, care for you and guide you. Ask for him to come into your heart, soul and body. he will guide your feet and you'll go on the right path and success in your life. I have never felt good at anything in my life, but now I know I'm a good writer, okay my grammar sucks a little, but I am getting there. He is helping me, giving me the tools to be a writer. 

We can't do it alone, we need God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost in our lives, ask him to enter and you'll feel such a relief and happiness or just relaxation that God is there, carrying you if you're too weak to make the steps yourself. Love him, let him guide you. He made you, you are wonderful in his image. No matter if you're gay, lesbian, trans or straight. You are what you are because God make you this way.

Catholic Vs Gender Dysphoria

I have come to get a closer look at my faith and my gender issues. I was at a church meeting tonight, I so wanted to tell the girls I was a gay male, but knew they might not understand. After listening to Helen's family problems so I knew it wasn't time to come out to my friends. I so longed for my girls to know the real me, and what I go through every single day. I wanted to tell my church friends about my true identity. Being a gay male inside a female body was torture every single minute. Wanting support and guidance from my friends, but knew it wasn't time. 

I got home around 9:40pm and I talked with my partner before they went to bed for the night. They have work in morning. Right now I am watching some crime show on you-tube. This is getting my mind of the thought of nightmares about my partners mother and her surgery. I want to find something inside myself to understand and tell the people in my life, that mean the world to me that I was hiding a dark secret. I wanted to ask God for help and guidance, but wasn't sure it would help. My thoughts keep going back to Helen and being there for her. 

I finally decided to pray about my feelings about my gender Identity and dealing with being a catholic and maybe changing my body to match my soul, mind and feelings. I know many people like me have the courage to change, but me, no chance of having that courage. I just want to be free to be me and let friends know how troubled I feel each and every day in the last ten years.

God's Commandments

God wants His children to be happy.  For this reason He gave us commandments and instructions to follow them.  Where you might ask. In the Bible, the Manual God gave us to understand his wisdom and guidance. I have never before understood the importance of following the Commandments in the bible. To me the bible was a old, out dated book with just jibberish of old men. Today I came into the knowledge of God and what his role in my life was going to be from now on, till I die and return to him.

I believe God has given us a precious book. The Holy Bible, a manual, a guide book to get back to him one day. If anyone lacks wisdom let him ask of God. This is from James in the new testament. Yeah, me Jools Alexander Xavier have realized that I want, no have to have in my life. You need to ask yourself, what does God have to do with my life and what I do with it. The thing is if you read and study the Holy Bible, you can get to understand why we need to not just read, and study this book, but prayer and use its teaching into our daily lives.

Lent: Repentance

Yes today was the repentance part of the Lenten season. I was not in a good mood this morning, but I knew once I got to church things would change. Yes, things did change. The ride to church with Lourdes and her daughter Robin were enjoyable. Lourdes always makes me smile and with her bubbly personality she brings God and his word into your hearts.

Today during mass, I felt sad and alone. I sat there thinking about many different things. First, Why is God talking to me? What did I do wrong? why can't he just get the heck out of my head? If these questions come to you, then you are lucky. Yes very lucky. At first I felt angry and annoyed that God had started to speak to me and tell me about things in my life that I had to endure. Why? I asked myself many times. Th answer is God has a plan for us all. He is going to carry you if you are weak and feeble. Yes we all have moment that make us weak and feeble.

First things first. Once I sat down in the chapel, I felt a presence enter me. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I know at the beginning of Lent I had a vision and got the message. But today was way above that. Trust me I know. Yes I got the feeling of something enter my body, it was something that made me feel good. I closed my eyes and let my body experience the feeling. I then heard the voice, which voice you might wonder. The voice of God, who else... duh?

This voice talked to me, through thought. Yeah, I know why am I telling you this; I'm telling you this so you can get Gd to enter your mind, body and soul and listen to his word and feel his presence. Right, back to the thing I'm talking about right now.

During church, God told me what his plan was for me. I tried hard to get his voice out of my mind, but with no luck at all. Yeah once God has entered your whole body, mind and soul; your stuck with him forever. I have tried to get rid of him, but he is always there whenever I don't want to listen to his voice, his wisdom and knowledge. Anyhow, his words were, "You are going to be my messenger, my disciple. You are going to show others that I, God are guiding you to follow my commandments and show the world that I am coming. Plus I love annoying you a little, just like you do with Suzanne!"

I then thought, yes I do love annoying Suzie and the girls from time to time. But how did he know about my little schemes and plots to get Jordan and Emma on my side. I guess I connect with the young ones more than I do with the adults in my life. I believe God wants me to become a citizen, to get writing for him  and spreading the word through my writing and show the young ones of today that they need to know him and know he is there for them at all times.

It took me nearly forty years to find God and actually accept him into my heart, soul and mind, I guess also my body. Yes that too. Anyhow, Repentance is the best thing in our lives. If you give all your worries, problems and stresses that help you sin and do things that God wouldn't want you to. Then I say repent and let God bless you like he has blessed me. I won't admit it to the girls or anyone in my life, but I fell calm, collective and happy. Yeah, me saying I'm happy is something I've ever done before. I confessed my sins to God and I felt like a big weight was lifted from my heart. I had never forgotten about my biological parents and family. They hurt me in so many ways, plus the years of abuse I suffered.

I have found peace, yes peace. I can now accept God is in me and I can listen to his guiding words, thoughts and what he wants from  me. I have never felt so rich in love for myself before. But I do now. Yes I hope all people who have suffered abuse by the hands of parents, family and even friends. If you let God into your heart, soul, mind and body he will heal you completely. I want for anyone who reads this, to know God is the only way to go. If you are lost, pray for help. If you feel alone and afraid, pray for guidance. If you feel there is no way out of the abuse, pray for help and strength to get out the relationship and seek help. God is just a phone call away. Yes I believe praying for God's help, is like phoning him to chat and help you get guidance, strength, hope and reassurance. Just Ask GOD!