Thursday Evening

Tonight has been a rather stressful evening so far. I got angry at computer, phone and my partner. My anger started at low and raised into millions in seconds. I grabbed my bible and turned to Sirach and started to read, then my partner joined me and we studied and read from the bible. This was the best thing I'd done with my partner in months. Reading scripture was very enlightening and good for spiritual growth.

The main point of this post, is that what makes you compelled to write. For the first thing is I believe God gave me the talent for writing. I love writing because it lets me talk about what is in my heart to talk about. I don't write to gain financial promise. I write for the enjoyable feeling I get once I finished a project. I believe in writing if it is in your heart to write. If not, than I suggest you just read books , rather than writing...

Thursday Afternoon

It's now 3:05pm and right now I've been thinking about what is going on inside my mind, body and heart. Being different from most of the people at my church is hard. I'm transgendered, but with no wish of changing my body. What is given to me, makes me stronger and wiser with God at my side. Also I've got pluckera of mental illnesses. I have DID/MPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Mood disorders, and anxiety.

Sometimes I find it hard to get through a day without hurting myself. Hurting myself does help to a certain degree, but not fully the way I'd like. Learning right now that doing this to take my thoughts off self-harm to do productive things instead. Right now I read my bible when I get the urge to hurt myself, either by cutting or burning. I know if I pray God will give me strength, but I'm not sure I want strength.

My best friend from Mass, he is what I call a cheer me up friend. If he's online I feel 100% better. Also I'm reading through my binder, my DBT Binder. This binder has a lot of skills that help me deal with certain emotions and feelings running through my head. My partner is my strongest person I can say I love, and they love me. Being at church, in a bookstore or just outside of the apartment I cheer up a little and know God is guiding my thougth outside. but inside I feel like the devil is trying to hurt me, with voices and images I see throughout the apartment.

UK Old Time Rhyme

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Guard the bed that I lie on
Four corners to my bed
Four angels round my head,
One to watch and one to pray
And two to bear my soul away

The rhyme above is one I grew up as a child. It used to help me know God was there and he sent his angels to watch over us. To this day, I say this rhyme nightly as it helps me sleep.

Jesus Journey in Life - Our Journey

Today I have been watching three films on youtube; called Christ's Life. While watching these videos, I have to to a deeper understanding of God and what my purpose is in this life. I believe he will heal me of my afflictions. I suffer from a few different mental health issues, plus asthma, eplilepsy, and chronic pain in back and legs. The pain gets very intense and I have found light in my pain. The light is God given me these illnesses to make me a stronger person and to be his disciple. Being a disciple is hard work. You need to pray daily, read and study scripture daily and believe in Jesus and his journey for us.

Before I found my place in this world, I was lost and empty all the time. Now I believe in God, Christ and the Holy Ghost. I pray every morning and every night. Prayer has been my saving grace. Knowing that whatever I suffer, in the Lord's name I will be given many blessing from God. For God created the world, the universe and every living thing that lives on the earth, in the oceans and in the skies. He created us, in his own image. This means that evolution is a myth and not proven. Creation is the right path.

Right now it's 18:48 and I'm waiting o dinner being cooked so I can nourish my body with food. But remember we must not live on bread alone, but use God's word to nourish our minds and soul. If you are a christian, then follow God's and Christ's journey and put it in effect. This means, read scripture, pray for guidance, strength and nourishment from God to show you the way, the right direction back to him.

St Patrick - Catholic Faith

Patrick was a humble, pious, gentle man, whose love and total devotion to and trust in God should be a shining example to each of us. He feared nothing, not even death, so complete was his trust in God, and of the importance of his mission.

St Patrick was a good man, a believer of the faith. Being catholic is a privilege I believe. Some people at church, go every Sunday and take communion and then go home and aren't very christian like. There are good people in this world who believe in God, Christ and the Holy Ghost. Believing is one thing, but  actually doing what is stated in the bible is another.

Right now, I've been reading and studying my bible. Trying to be a good example to my friends and family. It's hard to dedicate time to God, but we all should dedicate at least thirty minutes or more to prayer, and bible study. If you believe in God and Christ, read the bible, it is written by man, but these men were in deed inspired of God.  God created this world, and gave us the freedom to choose to believe or no believe. 

It's now13:43 and while I'm writing this I'm also reading/studying my bible. This is something I have to do daily. Not through choice, but through the love of God and Christ. He was sent to us, so we can see the mighty unconditional love of God. Yes he loves us even when he are not listening to him. You need to listen, he is there, listen to his guiding words.

Rememering Old Friends

Right now I'm listening to music on youtube. The song in previous post, is one my favorite songs. It makes me think of my friends Taryn and Gavin. Plus right now I remembering them and my children. This is making me cry and sad. I just have to remember they are in heaven with God and no longer in pain. This sometimes makes me feel a little better. I've never told anyone, but I cry everynight, because everyone at church, have their children. Were as myself, I have no kids left.

Having children is a blessing, God's blessing. But why was I treated so badly. I have had eleven children, only two living past the age of 5yrs. Kieran died at age 18, Paul at age 26. Now this makes me angry and also sad. I could tell you all about each of my children and know they are in heaven. One day I know I could join them. But when you've had a terrible past like myself. Maybe going to heaven isn't on the cards.

Two Little Boys - Rolf Harris

Two little boys had two little toys
Each had a wooden horse
Gaily they played each summer's day
Warriors both of course

One little chap then had a mishap
Broke off his horse's head
Wept for his toy then cried with joy
As his young playmate said

Did you think I would leave you crying
When there's room on my horse for two
Climb up here Jack and don't be crying
I can go just as fast with two

When we grow up we'll both be soldiers
And our horses will not be toys
And I wonder if we'll remember
When we were two little boys

Long years had passed, war came so fast
Bravely they marched away
Cannon roared loud, and in the mad crowd
Wounded and dying lay

Up goes a shout, a horse dashes out
Out from the ranks so blue
Gallops away to where Joe lay
Then came a voice he knew

Did you think I would leave you dying
When there's room on my horse for two
Climb up here Joe, we'll soon be flying
I can go just as fast with two

Did you say Joe I'm all a-tremble
Perhaps it's the battle's noise
But I think it's that I remember
When we were two little boys

Do you think I would leave you dying
There's room on my horse for two
Climb up here Joe, we'll soon by flying
Back to the ranks so blue

Can you feel Joe I'm all a tremble
Perhaps it's the battle's noise
But I think it's that I remember
When we were two little boys