Hope - Having a Little Hope

Since my experience on Sunday at church I'd been doing a lot of soul searching. Wasn't sure whether o r not to talk to anyone about what happened or not. All I know For the past three months I've been praying for my C.R.H.P. sisters an my best friend in church Mary-Lynn. They all mean the world to me and they are the closest friends I have in Indiana. Mary-Lynn  and Amy's mom has cancer and going through a lot right now. They need prayers. Plus Amy's daughter is also going through a lot. Plus Helen friend has been dealing with the same form of cancer as my partner's mother type of cancer. I wish there was a way to rid cancer of any form from this world. I know I can't. The only one who can cure cancer is God.

On Sunday an Angel came to me in a visitation after Eucharist. I was whisked away onto a pure white cloud. We waked for what seemed forever. The ground went from white as snow to green and luscious filled with lovely grass and blooming flowers of all different colors. There was an abundance of bloom. we walked down a concrete path. I saw children swinging on swings, playing on jungle gyms. It was beautiful. The Angel told me to have hope. God has plans for you all.

He told me that Amy's daughter will regain her faith in time. In God's time we will have to wait for that time to come. It might be a short wait, or a long wait. Just keep praying and asking for guidance and strength to keep us all strong and never give up.

Word from God

Usually church is good and very touching. This time it was more than touching. As I positioned my wheelchair, I closed my eyes and just let my heart talk to God. Usually I never get an answer right away. I heard an heavenly voice. I didn't know what to say, but right after I opened my eyes, I found myself whisked away. I wasn't in church no longer, I was sitting before our Lord, God. I couldn't see his face, but I knelt before a mighty being. It was brighter than anything before. It was brilliant white, like snow. The voice announced my health issues were going to start changing. I was soon going to be without any pain. I felt something come over me, The intense pain disappeared for what I assume to be ten to twenty minutes.

To be without pain for even five minutes is not heard of since Lent. I believe God is sending his angels to watch over me, and my gift for writing. "Lisa, you are my disciple. You will be free of pain and you'll be able to walk without aid." Then I found myself back in church and sitting ready to partake communion.

Since 1994 I've I've had pain in my knees, ankles and lower back. Now I'm confined to either a wheelchair or walking with a walker.

John 1:14 The Word - Jesus

John 1:14 The Word became a human being and, full of grace and truth, lived among us. We saw his glory, the glory which he received as the Father's only Son.

Read the verse, what does it tell you? Does it explain everything? Do you know who the Word is referring to?

Jesus is the Word. God is the Word. God has no beginning or end. He created everything in existence. In my ‘Student Catholic Study Bible’, the version is Good News Translation. On the first page of John chapter one, reads on a corner, saying how we should view the scripture that can baffle me and most people studying the bible. ‘Jesus is what God wants for us.’ This is written in the words of a child.

Children are the very thing to listen to when they talk about God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost. The trinity has baffled me for eons, or years. I have never understood it. Being three separate beings, but also being three in one at the same time; this should be not understood, but believe and have faith as this is what Jesus taught us.

He taught us many different things on his time on this earth. The words of his wisdom, knowledge and rules for life are in the Holy Bible. Read, prayer, ponder. These are the things we should do daily, without question. Lately I have been lacking in this. Usually I read and study the bible daily, but for the last two weeks, I’ve done nothing to keep Jesus and God in my heart, mind or soul.

This morning after my counseling session with my therapist, I realized one thing. I need God. Without God in our daily lives, we will be lost, alone and lacking faith and wisdom to get through our lives little problems and trials. Trust in God, read the scripture; reading the Holy Bible, God manual for us. Yes I know it sounds a bit far fetched, but the Bible is God manual for us. It tells about how God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Ghost wants us to live and return one day to reside with them in heaven. Without God guiding us, we will loss the way, get tempted and lack the wisdom, guidance we get from our connection with God.

Having God guiding our every little step we take through life and what goes on in our life every single minute and second. Remember he knew us before we were formed in our mother’s womb. I ask you to read five verses each day, then pray about what you’ve read. Ponder the words, let the words and God’s spirit, the Holy Ghost enter into your being and it will guide you, leading you from any dark place, to enlightenment and survival.

Thursday Afternoon

It's now 3:05pm and right now I've been thinking about what is going on inside my mind, body and heart. Being different from most of the people at my church is hard. I'm transgendered, but with no wish of changing my body. What is given to me, makes me stronger and wiser with God at my side. Also I've got pluckera of mental illnesses. I have DID/MPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Mood disorders, and anxiety.

Sometimes I find it hard to get through a day without hurting myself. Hurting myself does help to a certain degree, but not fully the way I'd like. Learning right now that doing this to take my thoughts off self-harm to do productive things instead. Right now I read my bible when I get the urge to hurt myself, either by cutting or burning. I know if I pray God will give me strength, but I'm not sure I want strength.

My best friend from Mass, he is what I call a cheer me up friend. If he's online I feel 100% better. Also I'm reading through my binder, my DBT Binder. This binder has a lot of skills that help me deal with certain emotions and feelings running through my head. My partner is my strongest person I can say I love, and they love me. Being at church, in a bookstore or just outside of the apartment I cheer up a little and know God is guiding my thougth outside. but inside I feel like the devil is trying to hurt me, with voices and images I see throughout the apartment.

UK Old Time Rhyme

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Guard the bed that I lie on
Four corners to my bed
Four angels round my head,
One to watch and one to pray
And two to bear my soul away

The rhyme above is one I grew up as a child. It used to help me know God was there and he sent his angels to watch over us. To this day, I say this rhyme nightly as it helps me sleep.

Jesus Journey in Life - Our Journey

Today I have been watching three films on youtube; called Christ's Life. While watching these videos, I have to to a deeper understanding of God and what my purpose is in this life. I believe he will heal me of my afflictions. I suffer from a few different mental health issues, plus asthma, eplilepsy, and chronic pain in back and legs. The pain gets very intense and I have found light in my pain. The light is God given me these illnesses to make me a stronger person and to be his disciple. Being a disciple is hard work. You need to pray daily, read and study scripture daily and believe in Jesus and his journey for us.

Before I found my place in this world, I was lost and empty all the time. Now I believe in God, Christ and the Holy Ghost. I pray every morning and every night. Prayer has been my saving grace. Knowing that whatever I suffer, in the Lord's name I will be given many blessing from God. For God created the world, the universe and every living thing that lives on the earth, in the oceans and in the skies. He created us, in his own image. This means that evolution is a myth and not proven. Creation is the right path.

Right now it's 18:48 and I'm waiting o dinner being cooked so I can nourish my body with food. But remember we must not live on bread alone, but use God's word to nourish our minds and soul. If you are a christian, then follow God's and Christ's journey and put it in effect. This means, read scripture, pray for guidance, strength and nourishment from God to show you the way, the right direction back to him.

St Patrick - Catholic Faith

Patrick was a humble, pious, gentle man, whose love and total devotion to and trust in God should be a shining example to each of us. He feared nothing, not even death, so complete was his trust in God, and of the importance of his mission.

St Patrick was a good man, a believer of the faith. Being catholic is a privilege I believe. Some people at church, go every Sunday and take communion and then go home and aren't very christian like. There are good people in this world who believe in God, Christ and the Holy Ghost. Believing is one thing, but  actually doing what is stated in the bible is another.

Right now, I've been reading and studying my bible. Trying to be a good example to my friends and family. It's hard to dedicate time to God, but we all should dedicate at least thirty minutes or more to prayer, and bible study. If you believe in God and Christ, read the bible, it is written by man, but these men were in deed inspired of God.  God created this world, and gave us the freedom to choose to believe or no believe. 

It's now13:43 and while I'm writing this I'm also reading/studying my bible. This is something I have to do daily. Not through choice, but through the love of God and Christ. He was sent to us, so we can see the mighty unconditional love of God. Yes he loves us even when he are not listening to him. You need to listen, he is there, listen to his guiding words.

Rememering Old Friends

Right now I'm listening to music on youtube. The song in previous post, is one my favorite songs. It makes me think of my friends Taryn and Gavin. Plus right now I remembering them and my children. This is making me cry and sad. I just have to remember they are in heaven with God and no longer in pain. This sometimes makes me feel a little better. I've never told anyone, but I cry everynight, because everyone at church, have their children. Were as myself, I have no kids left.

Having children is a blessing, God's blessing. But why was I treated so badly. I have had eleven children, only two living past the age of 5yrs. Kieran died at age 18, Paul at age 26. Now this makes me angry and also sad. I could tell you all about each of my children and know they are in heaven. One day I know I could join them. But when you've had a terrible past like myself. Maybe going to heaven isn't on the cards.

Dealing with Grief

It's Thursday 22nd April 2010. Today has been a rather tough time for me. First it was Paul's birthday, my son. Also it made me think about the direction of my life. It has been about two weeks since Paul passed and now he is with God. I've lost all of the children I've brought into this world. Today Everything I did, reminding me of my precious children and short a time I got with most. I've lost everyone of my children. I've given birth to eight children and adopted one, making it nine children.

Now I have to remember what to do with what I know about God, Jesus and Holy Ghost working in my life. Today it made me realize that life is given to us all, we are to use that gift, from God to use it to show God how much we thank him for the gift of life. If you have not used your life to empower God, you must think and act now.

We have so much to thank God for, I thank him for the gracious life I brought into this world. I have given birth to eight children, I can remember each time I gave birth to each child. I couldn't be home today, this was I would usually see my family on web-cam via YIM (Yahoo Instant Messenger). I'm in America, my family in England and Europe.

Now I am understanding God's use of me as a vessel of his word. Believing in God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost you have to have faith on things you can't see or touch, but they exist. Today I have cried and thought about Paul and how he touched my life throughout his life, just like my other children. They all taught me something about my life and how blessed I was to have been able to spend time with them, and be able to be a mother to them, even if it was short. I have loved my children, never not stopping once.

I'm starting to realize that God gave me a gift, that is for writing and having a gift to show others how much someone who was never loved, to love unconditionally to anyone in my life. I have been doing a lot of prayer and time in deep thought. Realizing that God gives us all a gift, what is yours? Mind is to be a writer and show others whom have gone through a hell of a lot abuse and broken through and understood that God doesn't stop loving you, he just gives you what will make you stronger, he is carrying you when you're weak, and in low spirit. Believe, trust, prayer.. is the way back to him!

Realization of Gender Dysphoria

 Today I woke up, I totally identified as male. Then My church friend turned up and I knew if I went to church, everyone would identify me as the gender of this body, female. I am having a hard time dealing with the issues of the body being the wrong gender. It is like I have no way to be me. Each time I look into a mirror, touch my chest, go to the bathroom; it all says I'm female. Then I just burst into fits of anger, and then the tears coming flowing down my cheeks. It's torture.


Talked to my partner and roommate. Sharing a house with Mel, is delightful. She has such a gentle and sweet nature. She sees me as male and not what the body looks like. Which is nice. Then it comes out. They are never going to change and it makes me realize maybe I'll never get the chance to change and have the outside look and match the inside. Each day is like having to look at a image in a mirror and having it always lying to you. You feel and act like a man/boy buut you look like a female/girl. This is quite common these days.


In this day and age, transgendered children/adults are more comment than they were when I was a child. Now in these times, 2010 children are getting to chance to change there gender once being diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria. When I was a child, I knew by the age of nine, I was different. I knew I was born into the wrong body so to speak.


What is meant to happen in the womb, is a child is conceived and started to grow. During the growth process in the womb, a baby is given male and female hormones. But then there is a break up and in transgendered children they get given more of the opposite hormones and that means the genitals start growing, but in the mind, heart and soul of the growing child is also given the right hormones and growth processes and they child feels male or female in all ways, but the gender is totally the opposite once born. If this talks about how you feel, seek help from a therapist or councellor.


Back in the early 1970's when I was born, it was not common and it was rare for this to happen. The thing back then if you changed your gender and had children. The children were taken from you and put into the foster care system. This is what happen to me, well sort of. My father was a MtF(male to female) and had surgery and hormones to become a woman. My father left me at the age of four and I never saw him till I was sixteen.


Now I faced this during my life. I was born female, but identify as male. It's like a nightmare, but you have to watch people say things to you eg. {Hello Miss, Can and I help you Ma'am} in places like stores and libraries and other common places. Since the age of eighteen, I haven't owned a skirt, dress or underwear of females. I dress in male clothes, I have my hair short and bind my chest. Hating what I see in the mirror, but knowing due to my physical health issues, I can't get onto T(Testosterone) or have SRS(Sex Reassignment Surgery).


I'm now 41, living in America and away from my biological family. My partner's family, to know I'm married to. They are devoted Catholics and go to church weekly for mass. I converted to be a Catholic to see if that would rid me of these feelings of being trapped into a body that I can't deal with having. But I became to get closer connection with God, and made some good friends at out local church. The only thing wrong, is I'm male through and through. Wanting to come out and tell the world I'm not who they think I am. I'm Jools not Lisa. But I have to realize that is something I can't change. I've been told I can go back to England and get onto hormones and have surgery done. But I would have to give up my friends I have in America.


Today I knew I had to be alone, as my partner had to work. Feeling alone and frightened, lost and without hope. This is always how I feel when I'm with people or not. I want my girls from church to know I'm a man, I want them to know what life is like inside and outside for me. When will this time come.. I just don't know.

Emptiness and Lost Feeling

It's just turned 12:53pm and I have had lunch. Now I am thinking about what is going to happen today. Since 2am, I have had feelings of emptiness, being alone, lost and anger. Losing a child is hard on anyone, but for me it's becoming a way of life. Giving everything up to God is always hard, but having him take your last child it makes me so angry, and furious about it. I know Paul is in a better place, and he is no in pain and is with God now. The only thing is I want him  with me, no somewhere I can't communicate with him.

Watching Troy on his computer is nice, he is relaxed and waiting to go visit his mom. I know she is going to be fine now the surgery is over with. Part of me wants her to die so Troy and his family can feel the pain I feel right now. I know this isn't very Christian of me, but it's how I feel right now. Don't get me wrong, I love Troy's mom and the rest of the family. The point is I have to lose and I believe someone else should too. The pain I feel inside, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But part of me wants someone else to feel pain, to be depressed and feeling alone.

I have read some scripture this morning, trying to see light were I see darkness. But every single scripture I read, is about death and resurrection. I know in time I will rejoin my children in heaven. I know they are happy, in no pain and waiting on me. But the thing is I want to be with them now, not later. I know Angela is going to do what is best for her and the kids. I doubt I'll ever see my grandchildren. I feel so lost and empty, I want out right now.

The point is I do feel so low, and empty. But I know God is in me, working his way to help me deal with his grief and anger I have in my heart right now. I have been praying all morning in the silence of my heart. I just want to feel at peace, that Paul is with his family up in heaven. Maybe in time I will want to write about how much my children strengthened me and touch me during their time with me.

It's time to write, to write my memoirs and some Christian fiction or Catholic fiction, even maybe a gay fiction story too. I need to get inspired and to do that I need to feel at peace. Which I don't feel right now. Maybe I will let Troy read how I feel and maybe he'll help me find peace, who knows what today will bring to me and help me settle my heart and be happy once again.

Thursday Lunchtime

This morning was rather okay, since I got a call from Angela. It was the news I'd feared. She called me around 2am my time. I had prayed the night before and hoped for a healing touch on my son. All through my life, I have had children, but it seems to me that I'm not meant to have children. I have lost Raven and Luke, Chelsea, Phillip and Michelle, Joshua, Keiran, Michael, and now my Paul has been taken. What am I to do now? Why God? Why take my children? Did I deserve to lose so many children?

I have thought long and hard this morning and wondered if there was a purpose for me losing my children. I just fear if I ever have any children with Troy, they will somehow die. I do have a strong belief in God, Christ and the Holy Ghost. But I fear I couldn't handle losing another child. Why am I doomed to always feel alone, lost and tortured. I believe in God, I let him into my heart, soul,mind and body.  This shouldn't be happening to me now. I am a good christian, and firm believer.

I hate life right now, not sure what to think or feel. Just right now I feel so numb and empty. My partner Troy, is spending time on his computer. I want to cry and scream at the same time. I know being angry at God isn't the way to go. But I just think my life is doomed from the get-go. Since being in Indiana, I have joined a church, go regularly to church, I made friends. I did the C.R.H.P. retreat and now I am barren, no children, no family to inherit my fortune. When I get one that is...

Tuesday Morning

Today has been a rather stressful morning so far. Yesterday was a complete nightmare. It's my anniversary to the first time I met my Troi. It's been a few months since he took his life and it made my life more difficult to manage, but I have survived. Yes, most people who know my, call me a survivor. why you might ask, well I'll explain below, just give a minute. Okay, give me a few minutes, I know Yes I know. God is in my head again and talking to me. I sure wish someone else could hear his ranting about what I should do for the day. Believe I hate it, but love it too...

My church friends and friend here in Indy know I am a survivor. I survived the many years of abused from the hands of my family and partners I had in England. I also survived cancer twice. Yes I know, I must me lucky. Yeah, the fact is God has told me he has a assignment for me to do, so I guess he'll never leave me alone till I've done my mission or job for him. But it has made me get a further understanding of God and my catholic beliefs.

Being a convert to the catholic faith, was a journey of discovery and delight at the same time. I can still remember the questions I'd ask Mary or Dave about what I believed and what the catholic faith people believed. Anyhow, I want to thank them for their help in understanding the sacraments and other things that make up the catholic faith. Now sure, but ever since Lent started I have been filled with the Holy Ghost and I feel it guiding me to the right path and how to become closer to God and Jesus.

If you ever feel alone, scared and lost, ask God for guidance, love and understanding. You'll receive that trust me. I have ten fold. Today, when I went back to the St Blog Parish, which is a site, where many catholic people or groups link to other blogs and sites about the catholic faith and you know.. yadda yadda.

Anyhow, I have been reading some the blogs on there and they touch me, I can't explain it, but when you feel touched by an angel, you'll know. I believe in God, Jesus and yes, I know and Angels. I believe I have a guardian angel and I believe everyone has one. It's just up to the individual to listen to there angel speak to them.

Lent: Repentance

Yes today was the repentance part of the Lenten season. I was not in a good mood this morning, but I knew once I got to church things would change. Yes, things did change. The ride to church with Lourdes and her daughter Robin were enjoyable. Lourdes always makes me smile and with her bubbly personality she brings God and his word into your hearts.

Today during mass, I felt sad and alone. I sat there thinking about many different things. First, Why is God talking to me? What did I do wrong? why can't he just get the heck out of my head? If these questions come to you, then you are lucky. Yes very lucky. At first I felt angry and annoyed that God had started to speak to me and tell me about things in my life that I had to endure. Why? I asked myself many times. Th answer is God has a plan for us all. He is going to carry you if you are weak and feeble. Yes we all have moment that make us weak and feeble.

First things first. Once I sat down in the chapel, I felt a presence enter me. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I know at the beginning of Lent I had a vision and got the message. But today was way above that. Trust me I know. Yes I got the feeling of something enter my body, it was something that made me feel good. I closed my eyes and let my body experience the feeling. I then heard the voice, which voice you might wonder. The voice of God, who else... duh?

This voice talked to me, through thought. Yeah, I know why am I telling you this; I'm telling you this so you can get Gd to enter your mind, body and soul and listen to his word and feel his presence. Right, back to the thing I'm talking about right now.

During church, God told me what his plan was for me. I tried hard to get his voice out of my mind, but with no luck at all. Yeah once God has entered your whole body, mind and soul; your stuck with him forever. I have tried to get rid of him, but he is always there whenever I don't want to listen to his voice, his wisdom and knowledge. Anyhow, his words were, "You are going to be my messenger, my disciple. You are going to show others that I, God are guiding you to follow my commandments and show the world that I am coming. Plus I love annoying you a little, just like you do with Suzanne!"

I then thought, yes I do love annoying Suzie and the girls from time to time. But how did he know about my little schemes and plots to get Jordan and Emma on my side. I guess I connect with the young ones more than I do with the adults in my life. I believe God wants me to become a citizen, to get writing for him  and spreading the word through my writing and show the young ones of today that they need to know him and know he is there for them at all times.

It took me nearly forty years to find God and actually accept him into my heart, soul and mind, I guess also my body. Yes that too. Anyhow, Repentance is the best thing in our lives. If you give all your worries, problems and stresses that help you sin and do things that God wouldn't want you to. Then I say repent and let God bless you like he has blessed me. I won't admit it to the girls or anyone in my life, but I fell calm, collective and happy. Yeah, me saying I'm happy is something I've ever done before. I confessed my sins to God and I felt like a big weight was lifted from my heart. I had never forgotten about my biological parents and family. They hurt me in so many ways, plus the years of abuse I suffered.

I have found peace, yes peace. I can now accept God is in me and I can listen to his guiding words, thoughts and what he wants from  me. I have never felt so rich in love for myself before. But I do now. Yes I hope all people who have suffered abuse by the hands of parents, family and even friends. If you let God into your heart, soul, mind and body he will heal you completely. I want for anyone who reads this, to know God is the only way to go. If you are lost, pray for help. If you feel alone and afraid, pray for guidance. If you feel there is no way out of the abuse, pray for help and strength to get out the relationship and seek help. God is just a phone call away. Yes I believe praying for God's help, is like phoning him to chat and help you get guidance, strength, hope and reassurance. Just Ask GOD!

Ramblings of a Crazie Catholic

Right, what should I say now, I'm not even sure myself. See I am going on a big rambling mood.My friends from church and my family here in America will say I might be crazy and a bit weird, okay a lot weird and crazy. To some of my friends I get called Jools, others call me Irish Brat, other just call me... I know at my age I should know what to say and do each night, but I'm afraid I have to shock you. I might be 41yrs, but I act like a big giant kid most the time. If you don't know me ask my friends...

Right I have been changing my profile on blogger and also searching for some nice artwork or weird saying. I came across a blog that was something of a inspiration to me. Yeah, it was a christian blog and it had verses from the bible. I haven't read my bible today, Yeah I know I need to be spanked.. come on make my day.. (_|_) spank it if ya dare...

Right the real reason why started this post is to talk about blessing we get from God. I have never thought of having a relationship with God as a blessing, but it is. Think about it,  we have a connection with God because we have the right to choose to. Think of the people who don't get that chance. Imagine you live in a country, a far away country that if you're caught reading a bible or praying you'll get arrested and tortured because you are a believer. How would that feel? What would you do if you wasn't allowed to worship God and talk with him in prayer? We would all be lost.

Yes I think having the right to have free speech and the right to worship and go to church and celebrate Easter, not just the Easter about Easter eggs and chocolate feasts. But the religious reason we have Easter after all. Yes we have to thank God for sending his only begotten son to earth, so we can have everlasting life and have a way to go to heaven and be with God once again. Wouldn't you like to be able to worship were you like, when you like and even have parties and let your friends know you worship God and are thankful.

I am thankful for the blessing to have the right to speak out in public about my faith and letting others know I read the bible, i live what it says and won't be frightened of getting arrested and thrown into jail for what we believe. I hope you are as thankful and proud you have the right to worship and be proud to be a catholic, christian or whatever religion you are!

Be Proud, Be Good, Praise God, Forever!

Remembering God

This morning I was woken up, by some noise I was hearing. Sitting up in bed thinking about what had woken me up. Yes I thought of the cats, but Emily was asleep on the bottom of my bed, and Pacer was in the living room. So who knows what woke me up. All I know is I wasn't having a peaceful night. I'd had nightmares during the night.

Finally getting out of bed around 7am this morning. I sat on the couch, and put my laptop on my lap and started to watch some videos on YouTube to try and get myself out the bad mood I was in. But watching videos about serial killers wasn't going to cheer me up. I knew this. But I have a thing right now, I like watching about serial killers or just cold case files on YouTube. I started to think maybe I should be watching something God or Jesus would if they were me. So I started to search YouTube for some christian music. This was cheering me up a little. I wanted the cats to come to me, but they were in a mood. While listening to the christian music videos, I closed my eyes for a second and I let my heart find peace. I then began to pray in the silence of my heart and found peace.

While I had my eyes closed, I could feel God's spirit enter my heart and take away the bad feelings and insert the good feelings. I felt at peace and let God be my guide for the rest of the day. I believe we all need to close our eyes everyday and just let God's spirit enter our beings, heart and soul. To let him work in us and show us his glory, his love, his presence.